The biggest reason why I COMPLETELY surrendered my life to the Lord is because of HER life. I was lost, broken, and hopeless. But I was still trying so hard to be in control. I was still trying so hard to do thing MY way- my own selfish and prideful ways. I was okay with starting over and I was okay being a mess. I could bear with all the pain and the lifelessness I felt. Well, no. I wasn't okay. I was breaking and I was dying. But I thought I could always go through it. I thought could always get it right with the Lord once my pride strikes me down. I wasn't afraid in losing my own life because I didn't know the value of it in the first place.
Then, she came. When she did I thought I was right where I said I would never be: a teenage mom who was unsure of her boyfriend's commitment to me (well we are happily married now. Praise God 🙈💜). I knew her life depended so much on mine. I knew her life would reflect a lot of how her mom lived her life. I knew that I would be her first role model, that I would be a model of her character, her values, and even when it comes to her standards in relationships. I also knew that if I kept being who I was, if I kept being the teenage girl who cared of no one but herself and her pleasures, then my daughter would probably end up just like me. That's what completely broke me. The thought of being responsible for her pain, her emptiness, her hopelessness. I wanted her to have a simple but joyful life. That is when I decided that I wanted COMPLETE CHANGE. I gave the Lord the complete control over all areas in my life because I know He would mold me into a mom that my daughter would need. The process had a lot of breaking. I had habits to break, relationships (friendships) I had to let go of, desires I had to lose. The Lord had to empty me. But when the Lord empties, He makes sure to fill until it is overflowing. He filled me with a desire for family and ministry, He filled me with liking for habits that bring growth, and He filled me with so much people who show me & my daughter unconditional love. As if that wasn't enough, God filled my life with my daughter's joy. He filled me with meaning, with purpose, with love, with peace.