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“Privacy in the digital age is a huge concern, and we want anyone logging onto Facebook to rest assured that we will not provide the government with any test results or current medications,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, adding that the site’s two billion active users could also choose how much of their medical history they wished to have automatically shared in their timeline simply by updating their privacy settings. “We are committed to ensuring that your confidential medical information stays between you, Facebook, and your doctor. We will not divulge your genetic predispositions or past diagnoses, including mental health issues, to the government without your express permission.” #TheOnion

According to researchers, it is astonishing that your eyeball has not been ruptured in the decades comprising your life so far, given that a tiny stray projectile or slender pointed object such as a tree branch would be more than sufficient to do so. The report also found that it is particularly remarkable that your eye has not been pierced clean through in light of the fact you have not one but two eyeballs, both equally susceptible to a sudden, terrifying perforation that would instantly release the ocular fluids inside. #TheOnion

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Monarch Butterfly Makes Directorial Debut On ‘Nature’ Episode

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“I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve never seen a set like those before,” said local filing clerk Ted Kilgariff, adding that there was no way not to notice a woman walking around with “a couple of big boys like that.” “Most of the time I honestly could care less about their size but, I mean, damn. They’re just bouncing around all over the place.” #TheOnion

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“After a lot of soul-searching and honest, often painful, discussions, we are sad to say that our two giant pandas, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian, will be seeking a divorce,” said Michael Brown-Palsgrove, curator of the zoo’s Asia Trails and Giant Pandas section, adding that the couple had been sleeping on opposite sides of their enclosure for the past few months, a rift sources suggested was fueled in part by Tian Tian’s reluctance to have another cub. “For the time being, Tian Tian will be crashing on the rock outcropping in the enclosure of his friend Remi, a sloth bear, until he can find a more permanent place to stay. Although there’s much to be sorted out in terms of feeding schedules, what’s important now is that we focus on making this an easy transition for 2-year-old Bei Bei, over whom the pandas will share joint custody.” #TheOnion

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