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Robert Mueller Begins Thirteenth Day Undercover As White House Janitor

“Right now it’s a tiny, cramped foosball table, but if you want to play air hockey on a chintzy rink that doesn’t blow any air at all, then all you have to do is just flip it right over,” said Jeffrey Hunter, 14, noting that the miserable excuse for an air hockey table came equipped with two strikers too small to grip properly and a single puck the size of a casino chip. “It’s got a cheap pool table component that comes with 18-inch billiard cues and shitty miniature balls that are impossible to hit accurately, so you can also play a game that barely resembles pool. This table’s got whatever you might want to play for two minutes before getting completely frustrated and stopping.” #TheOnion

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Sean Spicer Cradling Comfort Pig Throughout Briefing

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“As soon as the kid caught a glimpse of that produce lying there decomposing, he turned away, hunched over, and started throwing up like crazy,” said supervisor Carl Webster, adding that it was not uncommon for brand-new agents to react in such a manner when suddenly confronted with a putrefying, fly-covered rind. “He’ll get past it, though—you build up your tolerance after a while. The key is to not let it faze you but also never forget that this rotting pulp was once a sweet, delicious part of someone’s fruit bowl or lunchbox.” #TheOnion

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“Looks like this mayo is going to have to carry us across the finish line, because there’s absolutely nothing else on this sandwich that has anything going for it,” said area man Kevin Bentley, explaining that the spicy southwestern spread would, as usual, have to lead the charge since the roast turkey had zero to contribute, and the shredded lettuce was essentially dead weight. “The soggy tomato sure as hell isn’t helping, and that single slice of swiss cheese might as well have not shown up today. The bread should be pitching in a lot more, but it’s just sitting there like it knows the chipotle mayo is going to bail it out eventually—which it will, of course, just like always.” #TheOnion

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Pope Francis Buys Knockoff Chalice At Store In Vatican City Chinatown

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