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“Maybe I got ahead of myself with the yacht and helicopter purchases, but after this weekend I’m never gonna have to worry about money ever again, so I went on a little pre-jackpot spending spree,” said lottery ticket holder Frank Cantrell as he directed his recently hired butler to handle the movers, landscapers, and contractors busy outfitting his brand-new mansion with luxury furnishings and top-of-the-line appliances. “I bought 10,000 bottles of Dom Pérignon and 500 pounds of beluga caviar for the viewing party Saturday so we can celebrate while they call out my winning numbers. I’ll probably throw a few more ragers when I officially collect the check, but after that I’ll get serious about curbing my spending. Maybe I’ll invest in my friends’ business ventures or donate a few grand to charity. Now that I’m practically a billionaire, it’s only right that I give back to my community.” #TheOnion

National News Highlights

“Oh, god, we really and truly screwed the pooch on this one. We wish to say we’re deeply sorry, especially to the 59.1 percent of children in the U.S. who received what they had every right to expect were influenza vaccines this fall. Not that it’s anywhere near adequate consolation, but we’re offering a full refund as a partial apology for infecting you with HIV,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, who explained that the two kinds of vials are stocked “really close to each other, and look practically identical.” #TheOnion

Spot Where Dog Vomit Cleaned Up Now Noticeably Cleaner Than Surrounding Floor

“I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting and drizzling on balls—why else would you even buy a candle?” said spokesperson Carol Sheridan, explaining that the intended use of the wax play products had been made abundantly clear with their choice to prominently market erotically named scents such as “Autumn Pearl,” “Cozy By The Fire” and “Midnight Jasmine,” as well as the Yankee Candle Housewarmer French Vanilla 3-Wick candle for “really sick fucks.” #TheOnion

New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For Texas

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National News Highlights

Authorities Say Blacklight Analysis Shows Velvet Poster Of Mushroom Kingdom Looking Even Cooler Than Previously Imagined

“Shit, somebody is already sending him good vibes, too,” said local brand manager Cassandra Reynolds, admitting she had no idea how to even address the man who had already been referred to as “buddy,” “big guy,” and “chief.” “I was going to do ‘can’t wait to have you back,’ but now that just seems so unoriginal. Of course, some asshole had to put ‘feel better’ right there at the top. Fuck, three people are already praying for him? I guess maybe I could write the same thing as someone else but much bigger.” #TheOnion

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