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The Onion  America's Finest News Source.

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Bill Cosby Attacks Disrespectful Behavior, Skyrocketing Crime Rate Among Elderly Black Male Comedians

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Everyone At U.N. Watching Trump Speak Can’t Believe They Used To Consider U.S. A Superpower

“Sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, I remember what a happy baby you were,” said your mom, confirming her intention to sit in your room, warmed somewhat by a ray of buttery light from the setting sun, sighing wistfully while gently caressing your old onesie with one papery, aging hand and gently shaking her head in disbelief at how quickly the time had passed. “Where did all those years go? One minute I’m nuzzling this tiny little warm creature, so small I have to hold its sweet-smelling head up, and the next you’re off God knows where in the world, all grown up. I’ll never get that time back.” #TheOnion

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Trump Thanks United Nations For Inviting Him To Their Country

“Gary! Gary! Gary, come to the bedroom! Quick! There’s a creepy, gross, ax-wielding maniac in here!” said local woman Kathleen Fatica, who became upset after seeing the serial killer scurry towards the closet the instant she turned on the light. “Ew, is he looking at me? I think he’s looking at me, Gary…Bring a phone book or something to swat him! Oh, God, he’s so hairy!” #TheOnion

National News Highlights

“This is the worst government we’ve seen strike Puerto Rico in years, and recovery efforts have been hampered by the sheer force with which the system hit,” said San Juan-based disaster management specialist Gabriel Santos, who noted that the nearly 3,000 deaths attributed to damage from the Trump administration would almost certainly increase if the territory experiences another wave of catastrophic leadership. “Our island lacks the resources and funds to protect its people and infrastructure if it once again finds itself in the path of the U.S. government. One more blow from a federal government of this magnitude, and Puerto Rico may never recover.” #TheOnion

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