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Long John Silver’s Customer Finds Deep-Fried Poseidon Head In Value Meal

“Kyle’s just going through that phase all kids go through—you know, when no one wants him around and he’s a burden on everybody,” said Greg Fiedler, noting that his son seems to be stuck in a transitional point of his development where he is no longer cute enough for others to want to take care of him, but he’s still so physically and mentally useless that he requires those others to exhaust themselves feeding, clothing, and sheltering him every day. “He’ll grow out of it eventually, but for now, he’s still navigating this rough patch where every story he tells is way too long and pointless, all of his opinions are wrong and stupid, and, frankly, he adds no value whatsoever to the world. It’s all part of growing up.” #TheOnion

Did You Know?

“Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should never under any circumstances move on from the 2016 election results,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, adding that the 66-page lawsuit filed in a New York federal court asserts that the American people must remain solely preoccupied with every little goddamn detail from the 2016 presidential race. “We’re calling on WikiLeaks, Russia, and Trump campaign officials to join the Democratic Party in our efforts to spend the next several years prioritizing endless fucking discussions about potential election interference and what that means for democracy. We believe there was a deliberate effort to throw the race to Donald Trump, and that the American people have a right to publicly re-litigate Hillary Clinton’s defeat and promote far-reaching conspiracy theories instead of concentrating on anything remotely politically constructive for the next few decades at least.” #TheOnion

Air Wick Introduces New Piss Scented Bathroom Diffuser

NASA Announces Plans To Place Giant Pair Of Shades On Sun

‘These Kids Should Be In School Instead Of Protesting,’ Say People So Tantalizingly Close To Getting The Point

“It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,” said your supervisor, explaining that the extra time was required to make sure a few big upcoming projects get off the ground in the next four quarters. “You know I wouldn’t ask you to burn the midnight oil like this if it wasn’t really necessary. But I’m confident that if we can just power through, we should get everything squared away by the end of 2018, 2019 at the latest. Unfortunately, it’s just our busy time of the decade right now.” #TheOnion

Golden Retriever Mauls 5 In Huge Victory For Pitbull Apologists

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