theonion theonion

6,213 posts   2,285,739 followers   5 followings

The Onion  America's Finest News Source.

For more world-renowned reportage, visit theonion.com.

Petco Employee Stocks Gerbils By The Cash Register For Impulse Purchases

National News Highlights

Bush, Loafers Thrown At Him Reunite On NBC For 10-Year Anniversary Special

Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks

Visit theonion.com to see more from the standard bearer of global journalism.

Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life

National News Highlights

“We will no longer be inducting The Cure to the Hall after learning they were selected to join our 2019 class by a group of jocks and preps who wanted to mess with the shy band,” said the organization’s president Greg Harris, as the goth rock group’s initial excitement quickly turned to despair after learning of the mischievous trick, causing the sensitive members to cry so hard their makeup streaked down their faces. “While we appreciate The Cure’s musical contributions, the band will not be taking part in our annual ceremony. We feel for the group—they thought they were finally being accepted, but it turns out the cool kids just wanted to embarrass them.” #TheOnion

U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December

Deck the halls with stuff they won’t return—check out The Onion Store now. Order TODAY with Overnight Shipping to get your items by Xmas. Link in bio.

Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad

Most Popular Instagram Hashtags