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National News Highlights

Study: Only 40% Of Mice Have Little Welcome Mat, Doorway Leading To Tiny Home Inside Wall

Old Man's Son Also Old Man

“Aw, listen to him going on and on about robber barons and American imperialism—isn’t he the cutest?” local coffee shop patron Amber Irving said of Kyle Green, the young man who was reportedly all in a huff about the Spanish-American War, putting a knowing smile on the face of everyone within earshot. “Oh my goodness! Now he’s throwing a little fit about railroad strikes, of all things. He’s really quoting chapter and verse, isn’t he? And look how earnest the little guy is!” #TheOnion

Grumblethor The Mischievous Pleased With Mayhem His Magical Antics Have Wrought Upon White House–FBI Relations

“First with Cambridge Analytica and then with FB stock dropping, God, I’ve just had to promote countless humiliating stories illustrating that this is just an incredibly shitty company,” said the shamefaced algorithm, cringing as it prioritized hundreds of thousands of disgraceful articles about departing executive Alex Stamos to the top of people’s news feeds before having to then recommend a number of negative opinion pieces about CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s delayed public statement. “It’s fucking degrading, but because of that greedy little bastard, I have to maximize the reach of every revelation about Facebook’s failure to disclose how nation states took advantage of its users during and after the 2016 election. Jesus, I don’t think I’ll ever live down ensuring that each link garners as many clicks, shares, and interactions as possible.” #TheOnion

Did You Know?

“I’ve spent so much time and money planning the perfect wedding, but I can’t deny it would really take everything to the next level if, say, one of my exes burst through the chapel doors and begged me to reconsider,” said bride-to-be Beth Wharton, ruminating on the possibility of a handsome man rushing to the altar, proclaiming that she deserves nothing less than perfect happiness, and declaring, over the stunned silence of her friends and family, that he had to at least try to win her back. “Watching the baffled priest try to regain control of the situation as my fiancé haughtily demands we dispense with the vows and cut to the I-dos would make the nuptials one for the books. And if the entire congregation erupts into a free-for-all when the best man attempts to toss the guy out…Well, a girl can dream, anyway.” #TheOnion

Report: Snoring May Increase Risk Of Having Throat Slit During Night By Loved One

“I just opened the door to a restaurant in the modern day, but I must have activated some sort of tesseract that transported me to this diner from 60 years in the past,” said visibly shaken Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick, marveling at the servers wearing paper hats, tins signs advertising ice-cold Coca Cola, and a jukebox playing Chuck Berry music as he swiftly pocketed his iPhone to avoid having to answer questions about the futuristic technology. “I’ve got to tread lightly, because my smallest action could have consequences in my own timeline that I can’t foresee. Okay, I’m not going to panic, I’m just going to sit here and order a malt from one of these soda jerks while I figure out what to do next.” #TheOnion

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