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Petco Employee Stocks Gerbils By The Cash Register For Impulse Purchases

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Bush, Loafers Thrown At Him Reunite On NBC For 10-Year Anniversary Special

Department Of Interior To Control Rising Mole Population By Releasing Mallets Into National Parks

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Mortician Always Keeps Hammer At Tableside Just In Case One Comes Back To Life

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“We will no longer be inducting The Cure to the Hall after learning they were selected to join our 2019 class by a group of jocks and preps who wanted to mess with the shy band,” said the organization’s president Greg Harris, as the goth rock group’s initial excitement quickly turned to despair after learning of the mischievous trick, causing the sensitive members to cry so hard their makeup streaked down their faces. “While we appreciate The Cure’s musical contributions, the band will not be taking part in our annual ceremony. We feel for the group—they thought they were finally being accepted, but it turns out the cool kids just wanted to embarrass them.” #TheOnion

U.S. Military Honors Sacrifices Of NFL Players By Wearing Jerseys Throughout December

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Theresa May Narrowly Manages To Survive Parliamentary Firing Squad

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