Tuesday September 26, 2017 / 12:46am...
🔹🔹 And then, there were two. Manic bipolar depression. Like many mental illnesses, MBD is often made out to be NBD (no big deal). But it caused me to turn to self harm when I was somewhere around 8 years old. There were no outside influences that caused me to use this as an outlet, but one day I started cutting my fingertips in the middle of class, and it made the self hate that I was too young to understand seem a little less overwhelming. My scars then migrated to my wrists. I left minimal scarring because I was a model, a ministers daughter, a cheerleader, etc. Roles that made me feel required to be happy 24/7, so I had to be sure that I showed up to auditions, church, and the Jeff football games seemingly unbroken. In this last year alone I tried taking my own life, I was raped/hospitalized, I lost family and countless friends, I have been (and still am) repeatedly misunderstood. My pocket knife became my travel companion, and I locked myself in bathrooms to open new wounds. Here I was lost on this seemingly endless journey to myself, searching for any sign of a purpose. I went from a young person with a strong sense of self, to doubting whether the world needed me, at all.
A few weeks back I noticed that there were no open wounds on my wrists. In fact there were only two or three scars left. Look, with or without Bipolar Depression, it’s so easy to drown in our negative thoughts. But here’s some advice from someone who’s started ignoring the light at the END of the tunnel (fuck that cheesy line that everyone throws at you). Now notice the windows on the sides of your tunnel that let in their own light. Our demons will always try dragging us down. You’ll hear that you don’t have what it takes. Life will happen to you. You will fall, but you'll get back up. People will make it their mission to create a false image of who you truly are. It's time to accept that being misunderstood is a part of life. But each day we have a choice to either focus on the immense darkness in our tunnels, focus on the bit light at the end of that tunnel, or we can look around and notice that we are already bathing in so much light.