thebeanbully thebeanbully

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The Bean Bully  No nonsense Coffee Reviews. Brew your best or we'll do our worst.

Just hit a quarter shot soy piccolo from Fireworks cafe in Austinmer. I was hoping the bean might rekindle my flame for reviewing but what really caught my eye was the competition popping up next door - The Moore St General. Does anyone have an opening date locked down for yours truly to grace its halls with tablet and stylus in tow in order to give the place the meticulous once over that the local coffee scene is patiently awaiting?

Just what Thirroul needs - a new Cafe/pop up speed dating hub/Thai restaurant/activewear/artisan bakery/creative artspace with cute window nook opening soon. A new colab brought to you by the fine folk at @finbox and the scene bully. Keep your 👀's peeled.

Only the best for the VIP bully - see you all at my very own coffee critic masterclass stall today at the @yoursandowls festival ☕️

The other day a funny thing happened to me. As i was traversing the streets in my 1974 Jaguar en route to the post office listening to the sound of a detuned radio (which turned out to be the new Radiohead album), I felt the need to indulge in an old pastime of mine - consuming an unhealthy amount of caffeine. After looking in the mirror every morning and convincing myself I would not touch coffee after numerous run ins with irate Instagram users and cafe owners, here I was 243 days later about to relapse into caffeine hell.
Upon exiting my vessel whilst thinking about where would be the ideal location to break the drought at, I need not look any further than the answer glowing ominously at me as I round the corner to enter Austinmer Newsagency - “Now Open : Freshly Brewed Coffee”. As I breeze through the entrance past the rows of magazines so ancient they wouldn’t look out of place as relics in the Smithsonian museum I catch my first glance of the coffee machine and realise its time to meet my maker. I take a deep breath, hit the long black button and listen to the gears begin to churn on the artefact that is as old as Tutankhamun's tomb. A black liquid which resembles the outdated oil in my jaguar begins to fill the styrofoam cup as I purchase a powerball ticket from the barista AKA the 16 year old school girl behind the counter and ponder if I should partake in the $5 pie and can deal to wash down the prehistoric castrol oil I’m about to consume. I choose not to and decide to face the black stuff head on like a man. In one fell swoop I down the beast and realise I should’ve taken my time. The black poison instantly hits me like a tonne of bricks and sends me into a parallel universe as I struggle to fit my key into the lock of my PO Box. I pull out a white slip of paper with the following words scribbled on it “BB, meet me at @sifterswollongong 9am tomorrow, your secret admirer”

Anxiety levels have hit an all time high and the comedown has not even begun…. The Taste - potent and as strong as an OX.

The Ambience - blue skies and sandy beaches with an overload of western sydney Maori tourists.

My Addiction - rekindled.

4.5/5☕️

New review coming by the end of the week. Just awoke from a 336 hour self inflicted caffeine coma courtesy of the beans at the trendiest new cafe in town. Keep your eyes peeled folks
BB

First of all I owe you, dear bean bully fans, an apology for my lack of reviews in the past fortnight. The reason for absence? I've been locked up in a psych ward aka coffee rehab due to the side effects of one too many soy lattes from the Egyptian barista at @finbox
But anyway the show must go on!
As promised, I was en route to @thegroundsofalexandria the other day when my GPS malfunctioned and took a wrong turn towards the new Stokes Lane Cafe in Bulli. A turn that would lead me down, which I later discovered it to be, a disastrous coffee causeway. Upon parking my moped scooter up out back and entering the new establishment I laid my eyes upon a refurbished room, a cheap surfboard hung like a taxidermy beast above the counter, @delstar5 (wendell sailor) sipping a piccolo and a male/female staff duo behind the counter. I place my helmet under my arm and order an espresso. The price? A wonky $3.20 (is that extra 20¢ for a single shot really necessary. Keep it clean). With it being a new cafe I want to sit in and embrace the ambiance but the nervous barista doesn't even ask if I want to sit in and automatically marks my name onto a takeaway cup. You just lost yourself half a point kiddo. The make up of my flannel shirt/thongs attire must have something to do with it. After waiting a prolonged period of time in which I probably could've read the lord of the rings trilogy, my espresso is placed upon the counter. I place my safety mits (riding gloves) on and take my first sip. I recoil in horror as my palette is covered with creamy milk. I didn't know I ordered a macchiato? I forgive this massive blunder, accept defeat as the line is now snaking out the door and down the rest of the milky mess.

The taste - standard, campos beans middle of the road blandness

The ambiance - I wouldn't know

My lactose intolerance medication dosage - doubled

2☕️ / 5☕️

The Bean Bully doesn't usually brew at chain coffee stores but if you ever want to go for coffee with me at @gloriajeanscoffees in Thirroul please give me at least two weeks notice so I can clear my schedule and go drive off a cliff. My non coffee savvy friend almost roped me into attending this horrid place until we noticed @honest_dons just down the road.
Now it's funny you see because on the way to Dons I decided to check my private messages and noticed a msg from Honest Dons trying to coax yours truly into giving them a good review (see attached). This instantly got me off on the wrong foot and made them lose 1☕️ for their rating before I'd even entered the place. Bribing the Bully don't work folks.
Upon entry I'm greeted by a trendy young barista who seems honest enough. This must be Don. Unfortunately his honesty is compromised by the bad 1980's porn moustache on his upper lip. I browse the menu and realise that like every other cafe in Australia at the moment these guys have gone down the Mod Oz cuisine route. I opt for a soy flat white as everything else on the menu would require me selling my mini scooter to be able to afford any of these exorbitant prices.
I slide out to the back deck and seat myself at the bench with breathtaking views of the local IGA car park. The clouds part and I'm set alight by what feels like a head on collision with the eye of Sauron. The sun is like a blow torch and I'm stuck out here by myself by the pack of soccer mums behind me discussing their haircuts and fingernails.
As I pop the top off my cup it was a huge relief to not open a passageway to the fiery gates of hell. Especially after the third degree burns I copped off the sun. The barista has brewed this to temperature perfection. I take my first sip and excuse the trendy barista for his porn moustache. This guy has obviously done his time down in the Melbourne coffee scene and it shows.
The taste - rich and enjoyable.
The ambiance - forgettable.
My skin - torched.
2.75☕️ out of a possible 5☕️.
Next stop @thegroundsofalexandria

What makes a good cafe? The coffee right? For my next review @atallandsundry well that's the best thing it has going for it. As I shuffle in past the young mothers in gym wear to order my double espresso, I'm greeted by a rather hip young woman but can't seem to get my order heard over the hordes of toddlers hyped up on babychino's. Had I gone through the wrong door? Was this the Woonona daycare centre? I thought to myself as I questioned my surroundings. I placed my order and waited awkwardly near the front door as the mums and toddlers jockey in and out of the small space. I was handed my coffee in 3 mins flat, a clean $3 transaction. Bean Bully likes this. You've just earned an extra ☕️. I post up outdoors in the winter sun, relieved and finally at ease to enjoy my coffee. At that moment a toddler came running down the pathway, tripped over and bumped the table as I took my first sip.
The taste - sensational, full bodied and rich.
The ambience - questionable.
My suit - ruined.
3.75☕️ out of 5 ☕️ Now where's my diary? Oh here we go @whitehorsecoffee I think I'll give you a go tomorrow 😉

As I catch my first glance of @three_chimneys I feel as if I should've worn my knights armour as the giant double doors could easily be taken as the entrance to a medieval caffeine castle. I half expect there to be some kind of hidden moat where angry crocodiles frolic around in pools of lattes snapping their jaws at the bypassing patrons as the double doors morph into a drawbridge for me to descend into coffee warfare.

I'm sadly mistaken as the imaginary drawbridge gives way to a giant hall with tables galore, a makeshift bar, musical stage and a bakery out back (not quite the Kings feasting hall that I was hoping for). The first thought the critic inside of me has is that the chimneys management team totally missed the memo that maximalism stopped being cool in the mid 2000's. These guys have gone BIG. I fear I may contract megalophobia in this large area and quickly bee line it for the barista to place an order. The young lass gives me a smile as I take time to adjust my reading glasses and scour the menu. I settle for a straight latte and she passes the cup onto the barista. Someone forgot to tell him that making a coffee is not a formula 1 race because he does his best Michael Schumacher impersonation and pumps this bad boy out way too fast. I take my first sip and I'm instantly set alight, and I don't mean by the caffeine hit. This bad boy is HOT. I let it settle for 5 minutes whilst I do some browsing on my iPad and finally take my second sip. The taste - exotic and potent. Just how the Bean Bully likes it. I pick up the cup bare handed (I'll be sure to bring my safety mits next time) and head out towards the drawbridge. I walk across the moat (the front concrete path) and throw my now empty coffee cup towards the crocodile (the red garbage bin) as he looks hungry.
Final word - The latte saved the day as the rich aroma satisfied my nasal cavity and the creamy content set alight my taste buds. Three Chimneys best keep bringing their A game otherwise all 3 chimneys could suffer the same fate as the Illawarra's most famous chimney - the Port Kembla stack.

3☕️ out of a possible 5☕️ Next stop for the Bean Bully @atallandsundry

After a day of sight seeing around the Northern Suburbs of the Illawarra I find myself parched and craving the black gold. I pull my car over and enter the pearly gates to the grand poobah of Northern Beaches cafes - @finbox .
White interior, surfboards, wooden stools, pretentious surfers disguised as coffee aficionados; I'm in cafe heaven folks. I spin the dice and order a double shot cappuccino to satisfy that sweet tooth of mine. I watch in amazement as the tattooed gent behind the counter swiftly memorises my order and operates the machine as if it's an extension of his own arm - this guy means business. I'm impressed when he hands me the cup and mentions the price - a clean $4. Bean Bully likes the cut of your jib tattooed Egyptian boy. I consume the brew outside on the bench where people watching is a must. The taste - phenomenal. It's not until I'm driving away 10 minutes later that it hits me. A harsh caffeine inflicted psychedelic experience. Has this man poisoned me? I cruise over the Sea Cliff Bridge and feel like I'm in another world until it hits me - the mother of all caffeine comedowns. I pull the car over and gasp for air. I call my friend for assistance and moral support but unfortunately he is driving home from a drug fuelled weekend at Splendour in the Grass. He tries to liken his current mental state to mine but he has no fucking idea....
Finbox Thirroul 3.5☕️ out of 5☕️ (a bonus 0.5 for being located in Thirroul and avoiding the temptation to convert into another fucking Thai Restaurant)
@three_chimneys you're next on the Bean Bully's hitlist. See you bright and early tomorrow morning

What better way to kick off the new Bean Bully page by reviewing Thirroul's newest cafe - "Bread, Espresso &" (yeah I'm just as confused by that name as you are).
Upon entering I'm startled as to how I go about ordering as the target market of the cafe, wealthy middle aged mothers, are crowding the confines and make it hard for me to place an order. I keep it simple and request a Flat White for myself and a Long Black for my friend. Having not received the memo that this was actually a fashion event, the fair skinned middle aged woman behind the counter is not impressed by my footwear for the morning - ugg boots. Her disgust for my style is apparent as she forces a fake smile my way after a quick once over. I'd prefer it if they kept the price guide clean by charging $3.50 for a small and $4 for a large but instead they chuck a $3.80 curveball into the mix for a small single shot. As I take a seat and discuss the impending brew with my accomplice, we feel extremely out of place as the target market swarms through the door and puts more pressure on the already nerve ridden young barista. He fumbles his hands and knocks a cup over as our eyes never let him rest as we eagerly await our first sip. Just as I'm beginning to think I should've brought a novel along to make the wait bareable, he presents the two cups on the wooden counter. We thank him and swiftly exit the property. As we cheers each other and walk towards the beach to enjoy our first sip the suspense is killing me. I take a whiff from under the lid and can smell the baristas nerves mixed in with the milky aroma. We both down our brews and give our thoughts in one word each on Thirroul's latest cafe. Flat White - bland, Long Black - rushed. The Bean Bully awards "Bread, Espresso &" a honourable ☕️☕️ out of a possible 5 ☕️. Next stop for The Bean Bully, @finbox . Stay Tuned folks

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