I’m sad because I’m an angry and jealous person and I can’t help it. I have absolutely zero talents. I am so scared for my future. I’m scared because I want so much that I’m going to end up not getting anything. I’m going to live a life where I’m constantly worried, probably going to become a drug addict. I take opioids for my headaches... have u heard of that one? Not too much to get addicted but just enough so my headaches aren’t as bad. Keep in mind, I didn’t say so my headaches go away. I basically microdose fucking oxy. 8 year old me would be shook. 12 year old me wouldn’t be surprised. Now me is disappointed. I’m just not good enough for anything. I force myself to do all these things bc I see other people being able to do it and I feel bad for myself bc I’m not smart enough to get A’s and B’s in the class but I can just get by. Get by with C’s and D’s. My fear of embarrassment keeps me from doing too much damage but my lack of motivation hurts just enough. I hate to admit to people but I go days without brushing my hair, my teeth, my face, without showering because I cannot bring myself to do it. I lay in my bed all day. It’s not because I am obsessed with my phone, no. Take away my phone, cancel Netflix, I’ll still lay in bed all day, not eat, not drink, because I fucking can’t. I can’t. I hate admitting those gross habits but I go out into public pretending like I’m fine. Those days where my hair is in a sleek ponytail are the days where I regret not showering the night before but I’m stuck in a constant cycle where I can’t bring myself to not get to that point next time. I came back from a festival, had sunscreen slathered on me that morning, other people’s sweat throughout the day, my own sweat, I couldn’t bring myself to fucking shower. I stayed in bed for the next five days. Barely brushed my teeth, went couple days without washing my face, didn’t brush my hair, didn’t change my clothes. First time I went out of my house in five days. First time I went anywhere that’s not the kitchen or my room. I hate this so much. I hate being like this. I hate admitting that because it’s disgusting. I hate myself for it. I guess I’m done now.