Every time I pee I look at my stomach. Still.
Why? Well, I can’t say I really remember the precise moment that it started only that it was in the midst of high school when my eating disorder was at its zenith. It’s also funny to me now how uncomfortable I am with the term eating disorder, like it's somehow been devalued because we all have one. But the fact that eating disorders have become an epidemic doesn’t make it easier for those living through it on the day to day - it just means that we’ve gotten better at brushing it off like it’s nbd.
So I lift my shirt and look at my stomach when I pee. Why? To see how much it rolls of course. Every time. The worst part is that the running joke amongst my friends is about how small my bladder is, so this happens a lot over the course of one day.
A week ago I got (mostly, [tit’s out]) naked, drank a few smokey glasses of scotch, and had two of my dearest friends photograph me (@ampersandhelen, for those interested). I had my makeup and hair done - which was a first, ever - dressed up in glorious bodysuits courtesy of my sister from another mister, and had a blast. I rolled around, laughed until the vein I the middle of my forehead popped (tbh it doesn’t take much), and thoroughly enjoyed their company. I felt good in my body - 95% of the time - and just COULD NOT wait to see their work.
Today I got the images (talk about speed of lightning) and was thrilled. These pictures looked the way I felt: free, uninhibited, beautiful, and also pretty badass.
And then all of a sudden “I look bigger than I thought I did.” There it was, that ugly thing. It’s mostly gone, most of the time, but mostly isn’t always and having felt exceedingly vulnerable lately I guess it just decided to say SUP, I’m back (for tonight). But then I did something I had yet ever to do and said “wait” . . . (continued first comment)