I stumbled upon some photos I took in Bali the day after I graduated from YTT.
It's crazy because when I was actually in Bali I had a really rough time. Before this my life was working 2-3 full time jobs in NY, to joining the USN and ending up in the engineering department on my ship (my sailors and vets you know how that is), to then full time college/working, finally ending my last year in college with getting married.
My point? I was literally sprinting through life; staying so busy that there was no time to stop, look around and enjoy the scenery.
Bali was possibly the first time ever that I was able to just simply just be. When you're working multiple jobs or working through college you often dream about taking an extended vacation abroad. You imagine how blissful and carefree you'll be when you finally get to relax.
What they don't tell you is that if you spend you're whole life running full speed; it's so hard to slow down.
What they don't tell you is when you remove all of those daily things that make your life so stressful; your job, SM, friend n family drama, etc. well then you have nothing to shield you from the internal shit you constantly tried to suppress or run from.
I think I cried more this month in Bali then I have in my entire life.
I saw a post this morning from someone who described these types of trips as a necessary 'gap' in life where you are able to take a step back from life and return transformed.
What I haven't mentioned yet is in between all the tears I wrote 3 poems, designed my own tattoo, and started sketching again. Sometimes growth is painful.
Now 6 months later I feel so much nostalgia for this place. I long to go back.
Since my return I've had the hardest time returning to normal (whatever that is). I feel like I just can't get my footing right anymore. I haven't felt like "myself". It took me months after being back to realize that maybe what it means to feel like myself has actually changed. And that's ok.