Feel defeated. A little heartbroken.
When I woke up I felt like someone had sprinkled fairy dust on me. My life awake is better than any dream.
When i chatted with my tribe, seemingly meaningless moments, I felt amazed to connect with such beautiful, humble, kind people.
As I read @yogajosey post today I felt empowered. I felt grateful. I felt proud to be a woman.
As I swam in the pool with my parents and my kids I felt whole.
And when my mother left and started screaming out her window I felt shattered. As she screamed "I'm going to call the police, get out of here little boys" I was confused. And when my father came in like a storm I heard her saying they were peaking through in between the fence guards and pretending to masturbate while staring at me.
I first thought why would they do that? I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt bathing suit and playing basketball.
Then I was ashamed that my immediate thought was about how I was behaving or what I was wearing.
And then I was sad at how brainwashed we are that even those who preach and fight to end misogyny and patriarchy and sexism and this rapist society still blame women rather than males.
I blame their fathers, themselves, and every commercial, tv show, movie, celebrity, and everything around us raising our boys. I told myself it's not a big deal as I imagined that's what a cop would say if we had called. But inside I screamed it's a big deal to treat any human being like an object. Don't dehumanize me. And in ten years when those boys rape a college girl and the judge says he doesn't want to ruin his future despite her constant battle to even have a fighting chance at a future, I hope people realize it is a big deal. We need to raise our boys better. Our men need to be better. We need to expect better.
I should not feel crushed and saddened by the constant reminder that 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaultes before they are 11. Rapists don't go to jail. Little boys get excuses not consequences and they become big boys without punishments.