I've always been an extreme person.
When I would drink, I would drink till I passed out.
When I would smoke, I would smoke till my lungs bled.
When I was depressed I would starve myself.
When I am depressed I over eat and puke and then eat some more.
When I would dance, I would dance till my legs couldn't move.
When I work, I work without a break. Non stop. No food, no water no human can break my concentration.
When I would workout I would, kill my body.
I would constantly break myself mentally and emotionally.
My shortest relationship has been a year and a half.
I deadened myself to never feel anything again good, bad or ugly.
I over analysis every situtation.
I would constantly worry about what people thought of me.
Of how I needed to behave or act.
Of how I constantly needed to please people to make them like me... And I needed to be validated.
Where I never did what I wanted or tried anything new because I thought 'i would dissappoint someone.' I can never do anything for 'fun'. I never had balance. I never allowed my self to breathe. I never allowed myself to experience anything because I calculated everything. I measured my life so closely so that I would never fail. So that I would never feel pain.
Thereby I was ALWAYS comfortable.
But how much ever you try to protect yourself, life will throw something at your direction and you'll never be prepared for it. In the process of my over analysis I realised I'm not actually living, I'm just surviving.
So I'm trying to reconstruct my mechanics in my brain to find my balance.
Balance between the wars within myself.
Balance between not holding on to my identity of pain.
Balance between letting go of what does not serve me anymore.
Balance between making the world a happier place.
But more importantly making myself happy. 💙
Practise daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.🙏❤ Much love😊🙏 #ashtanga #Dancer #ashtangaYoga
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