I’ve started and deleted a bunch of posts about the #worstbirthdayever because all my raging about how tired I am is getting boring FOR ME so I can now empathise with how the rest of you felt in May.
This is the most socially acceptable thing I have to show for a birthday-weekend where I switched off my phone and the wifi in order to hang out with myself to ✨feel✨ all the ✨feelings✨ so I can remind myself (AGAIN) that feeling rubbish is bearable and “this too will pass”. The process was kinda forced on me, TBQH; I didn’t plan a “party” as I don’t have the gall to force people I love to see me when I am so unwell that I can’t fake being happy, I can’t afford a getaway to a cute beachside apartment, and I don’t have the energy to distract myself with anything else I could have done to escape the shitness in my soul (random sex, going out partying, whatever). My eyes hurt so much from the EMDR that I can’t even binge on Netflix. It was seriously the epitome of #boringselfcare.
And also TBQH I still feel INCREDIBLY SHIT so I haven’t got to the “this too will pass” lesson. But I do know it’s there.
Something I am quite proud of though is that yesterday I FINALLY got to the point in @daniellelaporte’s #desiremap where I figured out my “core desired feelings”. I started this process in January, so yup...that is definitely SOMETHING.
Anyway Frida has been amazing with jumping on me as I sobbed at how shit everything feels even though she knows she’s not allowed on my bed, where I have been for 87% of the last 4 days. And when she decided to meditate with me this morning as I set my timer for the first time in a significant while, I knew that everything is gonna be just as it needs to be for as long as it needs to be, and I can suck it up and wait it out...even though I can’t stop crying most of the time.
So here’s to being 34 and still looking like a teenager since I keep having to start over (and over, and over) but at least by the time I’ve figured out how to ✨live✨ I will still be kinda cute 💁🏾♀️