My DBT therapist wants me to start filling in diary cards again. I used to a few months ago but I stopped when I stopped seeing my old DBT therapist so my new therapist has made this one specifically for me, including certain unhelpful behaviours she wants me to be mindful of and keep track of. // I have been noticing a lot lately that I am distracting a lot from my thoughts, from my emotions. I am filling my days with mindless activities so I don't have to think or feel and it has got me wondering what I am running away from. What am I avoiding? I feel like I am at this crossroad in my recovery, a fork in the road, and I really don't know which way to go. I am running from having to make a decision. It is keeping me stuck. Do I move forwards, look to the scary but hopeful future, abandon unhelpful behaviours, or do I continue to hold onto the disordered, mentally unwell parts of me that have kept me alive, that are what I have used to survive. Throwing that away feels like I am throwing myself away. I can't separate the two. I don't want to romanticise mental illness at all, but I know who I am when I am mentally unwell. When I am depressed, things make sense. I am unhappy, but at least I know who I am. I don't have an identity separate to that. I don't know how to create one. How can I move forward when I am so hesitant to leave this all behind?