Most of my time is spent alone, with Emme. I try to connect with other people regularly, but it never seems to stick. I fear being labeled deranged someday myself. I fear a lot of things in this country lately. I feel like it’s a fear culture we’ve built ourself into. But maybe it’s just me. Alabama did a good thing today. I do what I can. I am not going to fall prey to bullying techniques used against me my whole life. I will not use them against others either. I will just sit in self doubt, listening to Tara Brach, wondering what it was like for people back in the old days, when you had to know somebody to know what was going on, and trust them, to even wonder if what they said was true. Everything happened for white, male landowners behind closed doors and they told us what was true and false and we are supposed to believe them. Nothing has really changed. I just have to keep aligning myself with people who understand, whose hearts resonate with mine, who also want to heal - who want to look at the ugly bits and see them as lovely bits with daily work. My heart hurts today. I am lonely, and I know I can pick up the phone and call. But I am lonely for something I’ve never had, something I’ve never known, and I’m afraid I may not get that in my life. I’m ready to work on myself, to see myself clearly. I’m afraid of what I may have to let go of to really do this work. Oh my - the feelz. This time of the year is never easy for me. I’m stronger than I was last year but just as lonely - just as few plans, just as little connectivity and belonging. Damn.