November is always a hard month for me. It is a month that I reconcile loss while also finding deep gratitude for the joy that I have in my life. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to reconcile both of those emotions. Today, the word options ticked across my screen. I want to take a minute to talk about my options as a woman of faith and as a mother.
My heart has been completely shattered over the past seven years. Shattered. Walking through that pain made me honestly mad at God. At times I thought infertility was a punishment. I thought I was being punished for all the horrible decisions I made as a kid and adult. I thought I did not deserve to be a mother because I was not perfect enough to wear that badge of honor. It was a pain you can’t describe unless you have been there. It is a loss that can’t be undone. When I felt like I was out of options, I realized that I only had one option and that was…. And still is to have faith.
Faith is a funny thing though and honestly, something I did not fully understand until recently. When you have walked through pain, loss, and trauma. Blind faith is not really something you can believe in...or at least I couldn’t. I needed a plan. Then I started digging into the word. Psalm 147 v. 3 says that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”. Because when you are on the floor suffering your last miscarriage….and you get up off the floor… Faith is all I had. Faith, that somehow… someway...God was going to make this story...my story his redemption story.
What I could not see is that my story...turn into our story. Not just mine but my whole families (and always know that includes Dean’s birthmother) story. Faith picked me up off that floor. Faith brought us all together in that hospital room. Faith that promises will be kept. Faith that has led us to here. To now. Knowing that there is more coming. That life will continue to happen. That we can’t predict it or plan it but we can have FAITH knowing that with God as our center….we will be ok. We all hold on to that. We all rest in that. *Finished in Comments*