We all have those days where we are ready to go and the only reason we don't is because the chemist is closed to get us the script we need to drift off to sleep. And the last thing we want is to cause ourselves any more pain by doing it in another way. So we rack our brains of the potential ways we can do it and the reasons we have to stay alive. Nothing matters except the only thing we want. So we squirm and weigh up our options, we cry and try to comfort ourselves but nothing sounds more appealing than not being here any more. Sometimes it's a build up over time, depression or that one last comment from a family member to send you over the edge. Maybe it's a combination of everything. I've been wondering for years why I have to live this life. Why it's so hard all the time. All it takes is a few people to tell you that you choose this life knowing in your heart you really don't. To make you question why you even try at all? I must be as useless as they say I am because I don't even have the courage to take my own life.
Think before you speak. To them ive either chosen this life or chosen to take my life. But there has never been a choice for me. An ultermatum my life and the uneducated opinions of those closest to me i cant escape have give me. I cant make my life liveable so why wouldnt i want to die? i wake up every day with a single goal and i fail miserably every time. I try with all my might to survive and i live an existence nobody wants to live. And nothing makes me want to give up more than being abandoned by the ones i love. its your fault they say, its all your fault. You could be like us they preach, if you just tried. Belittling everything i do every day just to function in the hopeless way i do. There is nothing more heartbreakin to hear than people around you beleiving you have destroyed yoruself when your working so hard not too. its betrayal of the highest order.
Suicide is always lingering in my mind and its not just depression oir borderline triggers that make me think of it.
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