I love looking at old pictures of my children. They are so candid, so real. We are born without inhibition. Who we are in the first years of our lives are who we authentically are...before society made us fear and worry...before we learned to check ourselves.
If you have known me for a while, you know that since October, I have been on a journey to find myself again. That journey includes losing weight, getting fit and really reconnecting with ME again.
It sounds selfish but it's not, and if it does, I don't really care. Being a SAHM for 11 years now has been rewarding and fulfilling, but it has also been isolating and has stripped off the layers that made me uniquely me. Does it happen to everyone? I don't know. All I know is that it happened to me.
I had this rock solid confidence and certainty of who I was and where I was going. I had a 15 year long, successful marketing career, and marriage was not even on my radar.
And then motherhood and more specifically, SAHMotherhood came along and doing that...just following a routine of taking care of the kids, family, house...just eroded my identity. I remember when Ysabella started to go to school...nothing confirmed more to me that I was no longer JUST ME than her friends greeting me and calling me, "Hi, Mom of Ysabella" with a smile on their cute little faces. Suddenly it dawned on me, "I am no longer Buda. I am someone's mom, someone's wife." That isn't so bad, right? I agree, it's not. But to me, it is when that's the ONLY thing you become. I want to get back to me. The wild, free-spirited soul. The marketing savvy woman. The girl who donned colorful, funky unconventional outfits. The girl with the infectious smile and the loud laughter. She who sings and invents her own lyrics (I still do that, to the amazed horror of my kids.). She who always danced like nobody was watching. She who didn't care and give a f*ck what anyone else thought of her. She, who was unfazed by anything. Me, the free, untamed spirit.
Because really...is there anything better than being JUST YOU? I can think of none.
Someday, when SHE is a Mom and wife herself, that's what I want for her too. Be HER. Proudly. Unapologetically.