processing birth IX
| f i r s t p h o t o |
| f i r s t t i m e a p a r t |
This is the first picture of my starbaby. I saw it while in recovery in the ER. We had decided amidst the chaos that we would leave our new little baby at home. We didn’t want his vulnerable earth-side body to be exposed to anything in the ER nor admit him. So I left him. Enter guilt. Even typing that now, I still feel a twinge of pain. I didn’t see him again for 9 hours when my midwife was finally able to bring him to the hospital as a visitor. Guilt multiplied.
It would be months before I shared anything about my trip to the ER with my family. I felt guilty, I hated that my birth didn’t go as planned and I was worried that my homebirth would be scrutinized by the naysayers. I blamed this “abandonment” for my feelings of detachment from my son...wasn’t I supposed to fall in love immediately?! I blamed it for my early breastfeeding issues from the lack of skin to skin & nursing time post birth.
This experience also brought up memories, suppressed feelings and past guilt from my first birth. At 15 I would leave the hospital without my daughter, having been coerced into placing her for adoption. This was supposed to be the birth to heal all of that. I’m working on it.
For now with the more stories I hear, the more I share and the more time lapses, the guilt has mostly faded. I’m happy to say that 13 months later this little baby and I are as thick as thieves, he shows no signs of slowing down with nursing and he still sucks this same thumb.