My name is Tomas, I'm 21, and I'm trans.
Today I'd like to tell you about my experience of realizing and accepting my identity as a transgender man. And, most importantly, how it all began.
When I was around 14 years old, I didn't quite realize what was going on – yet. I wasn't feeling comfortable in my own body, didn't look the way I wanted to, let alone understanding what I wanted to look like. And, of course, I wouldn't have the chance to try and change anyway – I know my parents well enough. I didn't know enough about gender back then, didn't even have any information about transgender people save for Thailand, tr*ps, and ladyboys.
I found salvation in makeup, and I started using it to hide. Everyday I'd apply tons of makeup, which let me feel at least a bit comfortable. So, no one quite saw my face, but a cute gal using he/him pronouns instead. It's not that rare in Russian youths. So it lasted until I turned 20.
After turning 20 I found out makeup stopped working as a coping strategy for me – still I kept using it. It was sort of a ritual for me, something to carry me through the day.
It all dawned on me around a year ago. When I got through denial, dysphoria stroke harder than ever before.
My mirror reflected a guy wearing makeup, and I couldn't stand to see myself wearing a dress, or a skirt. It didn't affect my cosplay to this day, but aside from that hell broke loose. I felt disgusting. I couldn't bear to see myself in the mirror after taking a shower. "That's not me," "This isn't my body," I thought. I hid in tees, jeans, anything that could conceal my shape. Still, every time I was addressed as a woman caused me tons of stress and unpleasant emotions. It hurt, plainly speaking.
When I opened up to my parents, they wrote it off to my depression and issues trailing since school, bad breakups with men – anything, since people are surprisingly good in finding explanations for things they don't understand. 🔽🔽🔽