I'm not at my lowest weight right now. I've gained about 30lbs back from my lowest weight. It's been a slow process over a year. I can't say it was one event like a trip or set back that did it, because that's not how this journey works. In fact, in the time that I've been slowly dealing with gaining back, I've worked out harder, longer, and more often. I've ran 6 half marathons in that time. I also got lax about using my food scale, and I started incorporating carbs in. I got frustrated with my scale, so I turned my back on myfitnesspal.
I've been overweight my entire life. Being fat has been the only thing anyone knew me for. Losing weight is a huge mental challenge when it causes everything in your life to change. Before I had been sad with food. Happy with food. Bored with food. I have worked on my food issues in therapy in the 2.5 years I've been on this journey, but I can't stop being strict. I don't eat a whole pizza anymore, but I can still eat 3 pieces. Then that 3 pieces will turn into allowing myself more leeway.
So here I am, being human like so many of us on this journey.. facing my own music that what I'm doing right now is failing. I can't allow treats or the extra carbs. I can't eye ball portions. I have to track to my food. I can't let food win, because I can eat to live, not live to eat.
I'll get these 30lbs back off and finish my journey. I'm not on any time schedule. I'm out here exercising, being active, loving life with my family every day. All I have to do is get my relationship with food back in order, it's easier said than done, but I'm worth it.
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