TW: Post is human health related. Contains talk of panic attacks meltdowns, and self harm etc. I share my mental health probs in full detail bc I know there's a lot of pep who follow me who can relate. You're not alone!! I'm not looking for sympathy either!
Having a horrible morning. After a week of gi/gluten probs and a lot of weight loss my bad luck continues. At about 4AM I woke up horribly nauseous. I took a shower but that did nothing so I've been sitting outside for the past 2 hours dry heaving and having the most ridiculous panic attacks and hallucinations ever. Why and how the fuck does my brain even do this stuff? No idea!! I get to this point of no return where my panic and adrenaline builds so much that I feel like it has become a demon inside me. I usually will shake my head and say No, go away. I self harm to release built up adrenaline. I am lucky that my self harm is only in forms of pinching myself and punching my thighs or head. I feel no pain during these times and pain diversion to reduce my anxiety is nearly impossible, when I was 12 self harm stopped my panic attacks. Now it does nothing so at this point it's just a bad habit to release built up adrenaline. Doing this shit makes me frustrated, I know that not only do I feel crazy but I also look crazy. When I hit that max panic attack adrenaline point my mind tends to get lost and the suicidal thoughts take over. At this point I would rather die. Sometimes I get seizure type auras. Weird flashes of light, smells and noises bother me and I stare at things intently. My eyes look like something has possessed me. 2.5 hours later and I've finally started to calm down a bit but I already know this is not the end, really hoping music or video games can pull me through. Blogging or messaging people is usually my way out. It's hard when you live in the middle of nowhere and have no direct friends or people to visit you. Today's just not my day.
#todaycanfuckoff #notmyday #panicattacks #meltdowns #mentalhealth #glutenallergy #glutenfree #suicide #invisibleillness #spoonie #cervicalstenosis #neckproblems #sensoryissues #whatisnormal #sensoryoverload #anxiety #whatisnormal #thestruggleisreal #fml