August 24, 2011 - I want to camp over THERE!
We had cycled out of Golmud earlier that day. Hitching a short ride for a couple bucks to a crossroads, and these were the mountains that greeted me out the window of a little restaurant...that happened to have another cyclist eating. (I have visited Golmud numerous times and it's very difficult for foreigners because of the close border to Tibet.) In the previously days, something happened in Golmud that had me crying as I was doing my dirty laundry. I am a person that really doesn't like anyone to see me cry, especially after that ex-boyfriend once told me how ugly I am when I cry
We were staying in a cheap place run by Hui Muslims and one woman caught me sniffling back my tears. I know something had been said that made me feel stupid and inferior from my riding partner and it begin to show the face that I was currently with a boyfriend that made me feel the same way. (I can't remember what set me off but I think was something in the streets in regards to directions or buying supplies...as I was shouted at, again.) What was wrong with me that so many people needed to remind me how awful I am.
Things were coming to a tipping point, with my riding partner, with my fiance at home...and who I was discovering when I looked in the mirror. Those solo months of cycling, making it out alive from all kinds of shit including an attempted rape with a threat of murder was allowing me to shed the skin of who people thought I was...into who I really am.
It would be over the next few weeks that I leave that girl behind on the plateau and become the beast I am today. Recognizing my strengths and knowing, really knowing...that I can't trust myself. It's all where I finally learned how to begin loving myself.