Do you get stuck in patterns of blaming each other? Oh yes! Back along.
The typical belief is that if only the other person would change, the relationship would be much better.
I had that belief too, I was the innocent one and he was the bad guy. It damaged our relationship because I could only see my point of view (mm I wasn’t very understanding I must admit) and I couldn’t see his. The story’s I’d tell myself about what’s happening wasn’t actually reality. And most of us do this. It’s like everything happening to us is all because of our partner when actually it’s our behaviours that provoke a reaction.
I’ll give you an example
I’d love an Audi a1 but do you know how small the boot is on those things!? and that having a family of four (and that your infants have so much stuff!) that even a shopping trip, you’d have to leave the kids at home! So I’m only looking at how aesthetically pleasing it is and he pretty much in so many words tells me it’s not really an option as a family car (thinking logically)
Back along, oh I got upset and frustrated that he’s basically telling me it’s a no go (like he calls the shots cos he’s the bread winner or something) in my head.
Now if I just took the time to see his intention isn’t to deny me of this BEAUTIFUL car it’s to prevent us making a mistake (and clearly we would be cos it just isn't big enough for a family of four) then we wouldn’t be arguing and me playing the hard done by one thinking he’s controlling me and I have no choices. If I took the time to see his point of view, and then the reality of the situation, I’d be seeing the sense in what he’s saying. There's really no problem.
Do you see what I mean here? The problem I created in my head was he's controlling me and I have no choices when actually that's not the case. Think.. what's their intention and see things from their point of view.
Now if we could afford two cars plus the motor bike he wants I’d present it in a way everyone would be happy lol