Just hanging out with these chickens and contemplating starting a blog. I kinda (read: really) want to. It's also terrifying.
I've been really noticing how strongly I am still a perfectionist in my life, despite being able to act outside of those patterns (especially in my art). Deeply, it is still a very engrained part of my identity. It's actually felt really helpful to recognize that... it gives me a little more power over my own narrative and helps the anxiety I am sometimes overcome with to ground down with roots somewhere, to be able to point to something.
I've also been thinking lately about how that alone is not enough to really experience growth. It is one thing (and a necessary thing!) to feel we know and understand (mind) our patterns, issues, hurts, weaknesses... but equally important to actively take physical (body) steps to reinforce, ground, and sustain the new habits being borne of observing and understanding. And I think 'observing' is a key- it implies neutrality and genuine curiosity. A constant attempt to understand frequently manifests for me as bids for control. Satiate the hard feelings. Ignore what my body is really trying to tell me. Bids for control are more illusions than anything. Necessary at times to placate intense emotional overwhelm, but not a permanent solution.
Learning how to bring my healing more into my *body* has been a goal for many years. It is happening at its own pace (in this case- rather slowly!), and I am excited to be feeling finally ready to really go there. I intend to use my 6 months in Santa Fe to really focus on some bodily healing (of physical and emotional hurts) and intentionally re-approaching my art. My soul. I am missing it these months. ♥️