A letter to those of you on the homefront,
Our first bombing has failed. Jones alerted the MAGA defenses, and they thwarted our efforts. Amazon headquarters is still standing. They were waiting for us. Our tide pod bombs merely destroyed their frontlines, pepes lay dead everywhere. Their rotten carcasses the color of avocado toast.
We decided to regroup at TBS headquarters. The Atlanta Stronghold is breeding some of our best and brightest cadets. Here, they are trained in the art of memes and satire, the true Art of War. I was commissioned by Major Bee to go undercover at Turning Point USA as a young, conservative Memist, just as Susan Sarandon tried to infiltrate the Washington Stronghold. They saw through my disguise after 8 days. My memes were too dank. There is no way a conservative could have created such dank memes. Blast my memage!
Upon discovering my identity, I was taken to the torture chambers. That’s right, FOX studios. I was forced to watch 24 hours of The Sean Hannity Show. I still have dreams of my time spent there. “Her emails....her emails....” The words still echo through my mind whenever I am alone. I am lucky though, sone have had it much worse than me. I heard of several liberal college cadets being forced to sit through 48 hours of Fox and Friends. Once rescued, they could do nothing but sob into their kale smoothies. I know not of if they ever recovered.
I was rescued by my good comrade, Colonel Waters. Upon my rescue, Kaitlin Bennet and several Texans opened fire on us. Colonel Waters just laughed. They did not shoot straight.
I was taken to CNN headquarters, where I was met by Barack Obama, Wolf Blitzer, and Anderson Cooper, and commended for my bravery. I was appointed to First Lieutenant of the Atlanta Stronghold. I am honored to serve amongst the ranks of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Emma Gonzalez, David Hogg, and other members of The Liberal Avalanche across the nation.
We have discussed and planned our next attack, on Chick-Fil-A headquarters, and let’s just say, they will most certainly Feel The Bern, and there will be no liberal tears to put the fires out.
I sip my caramel macchiato in anticipation.