Alone, I’d toss and turn, get out my bed; open other people’s doors. I couldn’t be alone. Never being allowed to sleep in my parent’s bed, ever, I slept on my sister’s floor, at the foot of her bed crying like a dog with a thorn in its paw. I couldn’t stop myself. By the end the summer, my father forced me back to my room, where I knew no one was having it and no one was coming, ever.
I wanted to regress.
I was in the throes of an existential coming of consciousness and having a Scorpio-style soul awakening. I couldn’t explain, shut myself up or cry quietly behind my own closed door. 🚪
🎤Pathetically alone....so pathetically lonely. (🎤This last part read in a bluesy way.) 🎷🎸
Lesson learned: Nobody is going to give a fuck as much as I give a fuck about my feelings. Even if anyone did give a morsel(s) of a fuck, no one could do it for me. Mortality was a bitch of a pill to swallow, bottoming out my stomach and turning time into quicksand. Childhood went kaput after that. Feeling the psychic thud of fully landing onto this planet and knowing there was no turning back left me in a knot. Satisfaction not guranteed.
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