Loosing a child, brings about a rollercoaster of emotions. In no order, and with no end. You see loosing a child is like no other, you loose a past, and more importantly you loose a future. All I am, all I was, is a mom. A caretaker. When Ellie passed, my sense of self left. Who am I supposed to be? I know the person I turned into; wasn’t who I intended to be. I became so angry, and pushed everyone away, including family. I sat in the dark, wishing it was me, and not her. Wishing I could bring her back, and asking god why?! I soon became the person I was scared of becoming. I hated life, I was angry at everyone (including god), I thought everyone had forgotten about her, and about us. I saw friends move on with their lives, and I was still stuck, in this black hole, with no way out.
Social media only made my black hole larger. Seeing friends post pictures of their kids, or complaining about little things, broke me. Taking time off social media was the best choice I’d made in a long time.
It gave me time to work on our family, to work on myself, to become the person Ellie knew, and wants me to be. I found myself on a spiritual journey. One that required me to talk to Ellie, talk to god, talk to the universe and figure out who I am, who I’m supposed to be. My journey is not over, in fact, it’s only beginning.
When your so used to caring for others, it’s hard to switch gears and finally learn to care for yourself. Part of that, is learning my new self, what I’m capable of now, being easy on myself, and knowing that the things I was once able to do, will be harder now.
One thing I know, I’m meant to help families like mine, families that are hurting, broken, and grieving. After loosing a child, things get very lonely, and yet, the bills and the heartache remain. I want to be there for these families, not just financially, but spiritually too.
God finally showed me my path, and to find that path, I had to loose myself. I’m still not found, in fact, I may never be the person I once was. I do however know that god wants my broken heart to open up, to show others that even though life is hard, it’s worth fighting for.