Miss my long black hair, I have just spent the last hour going through old memories and images of my past and I am struggling to see an end to this madness. I genuienly feel every single bit of effort that I am putting into getting to meetings, making sure im attending relapse prevention & other groups that are supposed to help me deal with cravings/triggers etc whilst waiting on another application to get more funding for rehabilitation is not even taken into consideration. .
I'm currently sat on my bed dwelling on what else I can do, I know I physically can't do this on my own no matter how many meetings I go to etc I need specialised specific help, as an inpatient. I need 1-2-1 support in respect of counselling (deep, soul searching physciatry). .
Im very aware that I can get clean that's not the hard part, it's staying clean. Being able to deal with life, the emotions that I go through and the symptoms of PTSD/Bipolar is so hard to deal with on a day to day basis. Its ok chucking 8 pills a day at me for my mental health but the medications I have trialed and errored for quite a few years seem to turn me the complete opposite way; I'm in a zombie-like state. I don't feel anything, I just sleep, eat too much and sit in silence. I have no emotions, at all. .
I would love the opportunity to go to rehabilitation, it would be a step for me that I NEED to take. I AM DESPERATE. I just want to get to a place where I can have a bit of serenity, peace and be available to my family as a mother, daughter, sister, friend & citizen. I am so desperate for this. .
One thing with me is that I won't lose faith, I wont give up, ill remain teachable and grateful for being in the situation I am. God bless & please give a moment for those still struggling 💜. .
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