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I have been taking more walks these days. First it started as a way to cope, a return to a method of disconnecting from stress that I had relied on many a weekend when I lived in Monterey. Now it is seeming to become a meditative time I spend between classes or during long breaks.

Today, I took a walk to nowhere in particular, allowing myself to go wherever and through or around any building on campus. I encountered a fellow student I had not seen in while, who mouthed “Hi” and gave me a smile as we passed among others along a crosswalk. I listened to the sounds of people and cars for themselves. I medidated on the sensations of my feet, walking in the snow just to feel it crumble beneath them. I watched students board a bus as though it were the scene from a film. And I touched surfaces just to experience their texture.

Today, for a few minutes, I connected with feelings and sensations that I had dimissed to my unconscious mind. I know that I have little control in many of the outcomes in my life, but I still maintain an interal locus of control. Even if I don’t have what I want now and have found disappointment in others who I have tried to keep near to me, I can refocus my attention. I can take joy in what I can have till my life is something closer to my intention.

My joy can be found in simple things, things others might dismiss as trivial and perhaps unenjoyable, such as the sound of cars passing by. But I take joy in these simple experiences and delight in how they can preoccupy my mind. This is my private joy, and I need not explain it to anyone.
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#walks #meditation #contemplation #stress #experience #feeling #discovery #spokane #spokanewa #sfcc #spokanefallscommunitycollege #student #college #mystory

So proud of these too! @gabrielaa__7 & @mihaelaa_2 signed their letters of intent to play Volleyball at Spokane Falls Community College!! Not only is this something to be very proud of; but the fact that they get to do it together is pretty unreal! Congrats girls. ☺️👏🏻

Today I emerge from the tunnel. I sought a hope and failed. Now I acknowledge I have no control and accept my failure.

This time was not as bad as the the last one. Only three months had I spent this time compared to the six months the time before. My speed at discernment is increasing: I no longer hope against the hopelessness and wait. I allow for deficiencies, but once the pattern is set, I cease to believe.

I am learning. I am learning to see more clearly the difference between the good and the bad, the worthwhile and the worthless. I am seeing more clearly the difference between those who care about me and those who say they do, those who play at friends and those who live it daily.

I hope the lessons that I have learned fail to taint me with cynicism as they did when I was a teen. I may have, in my estimation, lost today, but I have learned lessons I would never have been taught otherwise. And although I feel that I have lost three months of my life to effort on a single person, I know that I might have found myself in this same empty state today but without the greater experience and wisdom I have now had I not tried.

Although this journey feels to have been a bitter one, I have learned much more about myself than I had known before, simply because I took the chance. I have found qualities in myself that I don’t like, such as unwarranted jealousy at times and at others, limited patience. But I have found that there is much more good than bad. I have seen that I care intensely, that I make myself vulnerable, that I listen without judging, that I comfort the broken. I am grateful to say that I believe I am to others the friend I desire to find.

And although I failed this time, I will still build the relationships I desire to have. It may have hurt to have cared and attended to another so intently and not received the same, but I don’t regret exposing the delicate flower of my soul. I am not ashamed to have cared.

Hard at work making a pinhole hole. These are the hands of my classmate, Amanda.
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#pinhole #pinholecamera #college #student #spokane #spokanwa #sfcc #spokanefallscommunitycollege #dirty #hands #fun #makingstuff #photography

Since close to two years ago, I have carried facial tissue in my school backpack. The reason I started, and the only reason I still carry it, is so that I can offer one to someone who is crying. I had a friend once who was quite troubled, and I carried them for her. Neither she nor anyone else has ever known this until now. To this day I have not used a one for the purpose I carry them, but I still carry them because I care.
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#care #love #tenderness #tender #icare #crying #sad #sadness #empathy #empathetic #tissue #school #spokane #spokanewa #spokanefallscommunitycollege #sfcc

I thank you for the good, for what we had, and for what we shared. Yet I lost you somewhere along the way.

Sometimes I wondered if you had ever been there. But I know you had been. Just somehow you slipped away. I never understood why, and it killed every day to think about you, to text you daily, and rarely a word in return.

Close talks, walks, and sharing secrets should have made us so close. But I lost you. I loved you so much, more than any friend you had ever had. I would have done anything for you. And all I ever wanted was your time and your care.
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#breakup #friendship #love #care #mystory #thoughts #feelings #imissyou #missingyou #overlooked #hurt #youdontcare #story #letter #thankful #thanks #sad #sadness #spokane #spokanewa #spokanefallscommunitycollege #sfcc #tree #morning #warm #snow

Three weeks begins now. This is my long-term pinhole camera for Photo 120.
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#pinhole #pinholecamera #photography #spokane #spokanefallscommunitycollege #sfcc #spokanewa #fun #longterm

In my zone today I passed all my anatomy exams!! I got 100% on 4 of my exams then a 90 on my other one!!! Dirty today from plaster work. Pulling plastic today and hopefully laminating by Thursday. #anatomy #exams #prosthetics #plaster #oryhotics #futuretechinthemaking #collge #spokanefallscommunitycollege #passed #student #igotthis

footprints

A pair of minimalist product macro photographs I made for my Photo 126 class last quarter. Both of these are bottles of fountain pen ink I use for writing poetry.
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#fountainpenink #ink #macro #photography #college #student #spokanefallscommunitycollege #spokane #spokanewa #purple #red #scent #jherbin #pilot #iroshizuku #bottle #glass

A scene from Photo 120 today. We were painting the insides of Altoids cans black in preparation for making "pintoids," or pinhole cameras made from Altoids cans. Next week Melissa, @picturegirl95, will show us how to finish making them.
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#photography #college #student #spokane #spokanewa #sfcc #spokanefallscommunitycollege #project #class #painting #fun #altoids #pinhole

In class today, my instructor told us to take out our phones to take a picture. Momentarily, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I didn't want to make a boring image even though it was a spontaneous assignment. So I turned myself around and snapped a picture of my friend. I was actually hoping to see her eyes in the shot, but on reviewing this image I liked it anyway. I don't know. I think her expression is really cute. I think her smile captures the spirit of the moment.
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#candid #cute #pretty #happy #laughing #laugh #school #college #collegestudent #student #fun #girl #woman #spokanewa #spokane #spokanefallscommunitycollege #sfcc #friend #friendship

So I tried to take a selfie showing me suspended on the surface of the snow. I failed, but I laughed heartily. I think that is what counts. Haha.
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#selfie #laugh #laughing #fail #me #snow #winter #cold #spokane #spokanewa #sfcc #spokanefallscommunitycollege

Nothing says welcome back to lab like being covered in plastic, plaster and metal dust!!! I was so incredibly tired today if you can tell but I'm glad to be back. #prosthetics #orthotics #lab #school #welcomeback #tired #student #techinthemaking #college #spokanefallscommunitycollege #spokane

All ready for school tomorrow! :-) I am excited and nervous for the start of a new quarter in college. I don't know what it will be like to have three photography classes in the same quarter, but I hope to have a lot of fun and grow a bunch. It will also be interesting to see who I will be sharing my classes with this time. I hope this quarter turns out to be exciting and rewarding, not just in terms of my photographic knowledge and abilities but also in building long term relationships, which I feel is the most important of all things.
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#excited #nervous #college #student #backpack #photography #relationships #prepared #school #tomorrow #spokane #spokanewa #spokanewashington #sfcc #spokanefalls #spokanefallscommunitycollege

Check out these used items that just came in (in awesome condition, too)! Stay warm and Happy New Year! ☃🎉 #spokane #spokanevalley #spokanedoesntsuck #newyear #spokanecommunitycollege #spokanefallscommunitycollege #gonzaga #ewu #cheney #party #tools #dewalt

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