Dear Black Sunshine,
Currently, closing out the biggest cycle of my life. Karmic lessons are learned for me to safely move on…
However, the most complicated part of my process is maintaining the feeling of Safety.
Unconciously, running myself into crisis by accepting and contributing to co-dependent relationships.
Setting poor boundaries, being elusive or ‘dreamy’ (not willing to accept reality), when I felt violated holding back my Truth,
Exercising the ‘emotional door slam,’ allowing my expectations to rule my needs…
Burning out. Internalizing and enduring another’s pain and trauma.
Undergoing physical, verbal or emotional abuse because vulnerability and softness is often supicious. Especially, if you identify with masculinity and you are able to create a safe/ healthy space. And you are able to check your shit. All of the rage and justice that was meant for her abuser, absentee father, or ex. was dumped onto me. A lot of acting out occured:
-Being called ‘bitch'
Because often times, masculinity shows us - “It is not Safe to Love.” So, I recieved a lot of:
-What do you want from me?
-Why are you so nice to me?
-Are you really this nice?
-So, you’re not dating anyone else but me?
-Why do you like me?
-Why do you Love me?
-I’m not enough.
-I’m too much.
-You really don’t care about me.
These are all symptoms of a global health struggle which is Violence Against Women.
As a identified masculine woman, I understand that masculinity is an attitude, a behavior bound by systems of power reared by White Supremecy/ Violence. I understand that my sisters are hurting…
I have a duty.
These relationships have served their purpose and I honor each and every one. This is not about blaming or shaming. This is for Her. This dialogue and Love.
*Being Black, Lesbian, Queer, and not of Christian Faith…'Life is crisis.’ Constantly, at war. I have been rocked to my core by childhood sexual abuse, bullet , and car.
My body is no stranger to violence.
TO BE CONTINUED...
#lightworker #divinefeminine #toxicmasculinity #blacklesbians #blacklgbt #qwoc #softbutch #butch #lgbt