::Novena with Mary Magdalene, day 5::
This one is a little personal for me, and may be seen, to some, as distasteful for sharing publicly, but I would like to politely remind anyone who feels this way, that this isn’t for you. So you may politely scroll past.
I lost my innocence young, like way young. And though it came from a place of love, true first love, I thought that I was grown up. It started this interest with the power of the female body, especially over men. I lost myself in my own abuse with it, jumping from man to man most my teen and young adult years, most the time because I felt I could heal something in them. I was searching. I was using. I wasn’t spiritual. I believed I wanted to be, but I felt no connection. I isolated myself and as a way to connect back to my true self, I fell into self harm. Now for most, I’m sure they wouldn’t think that the idea of hurting yourself physically would be a way of connecting to self, but for me, it was. So often, I felt so much, even traumas that were not my own. I remember my mother telling me quite a few times, “I do not understand why you are so upset. Those are not your stories/emotions/etc. they were someone else’s, You feel TOO much.” And I would have to agree with her. But it took seven years for me to realize what it was that I was really doing, what my self harm really was. It was meditation. I desired so strongly to BE IN MY BODY. It was quite literally a form of bloodletting. To fully live within myself at all times. The physical act of self harming was just a way to achieve that. To clear the mind so well that I could bring myself back, and not be lost in a whirlwind of other people’s emotions and chaos. But it’s also addictive, literally. I didn’t want to be lost in it either. So, as I got older, and the desire for self harming faded, it was replaced with this desire of spirit, of lived ritual, to harness this spiritual power, and live fully embodied. The path carved out its own way from the beginning. I just couldn’t always see it. This crimson line. The guides, deities(continued below...)