Day 3 #intothedepths The most common emotions I felt as a child were chaos, anger, confusion, rushing, fear, being controlled....joy & laughter when I think of being with my brother....thinking about it now he was my main source of joy. Even though I did pick on him relentlessly during our younger years. I knew,even then, in my heart that I was doing it out of love... because our mother &the Jehovahs witness world had already picked my poor little soul apart with they're critical words so I wanted to toughen him up so he'd be ready.
These emotions felt foreign in my body, bigger than I could understand. I couldn't really focus on what I was feeling though bc I was too busy feeling like I had to protect my brother and be strong for him. You see our parents fought more than they got along so I was his protector. We are just less than 4 years apart...so at 4, 5, and 6 , etc years old this was a big burden to bear....I can feel the weight even now thinking about it.
Chaos and yelling filled our house. If my brother or I spilled something, we would race to clean it up for fear of being yelled at.
I was always not only scared to fuck up, but scared to tell anyone or admit that I had done something undesirable. Excuses& cover ups at any cost, anything but receiving blame. I remember so much fear& anger&agression throughout my childhood and teenage years, it still claws its way out from time to time randomly.
If I wasn't worried about being accepted in my home life enough, there were always the Jehovahs Witness standards &judgements I had to live up to.
I mean damn, I could never even be free at school bc in middle school some of the JW ladies worked at the school& would LITERALLY spy on my every move and tell my mom if a boy even breathed in my direction, etc. &her son was in my grade all through school so even after I escaped her, he was constantly watching what I did, telling if I cursed or seemed too friendly with the worldly kids etc. I can see him now, he'd say "Jennifer you know you're not supposed to be doing that " &shake his head in disappointment. Not to mention I was always getting compared to him& the other JW kids&always #yoga #butiyoga#love #challenge