So bittersweet, carrying this last little life inside of me. I always knew I wanted more than two kids, but this one came as a surprise. We learned I was pregnant shortly after our youngest's first birthday. I cried when I found out, and not happy tears. I feel guilty to say, I wasn't the least bit excited and niether was my husband. I wasn't ready for another one, I still had a baby, that was still attached to my breast, what felt like 24/7. My oldest had me all to himself for a full 3 years before we welcomed his little sister into our world. He understood he was going to have a baby sister and he was excited. He got to be the baby for 3 years, and his sister won't even get 2. I know she won't know any different, but I do. It breaks my heart she'll have to grow up just a little bit faster.
I felt so sad when I found out and started to question how I could have let this happen. I started to question myself as a mother. "Can I divide my time and affection equally between 3 kids? Will I have enough patience for 3 kids? Will I be able to protect them all? Will I be able to show them all, every day, just how much I love them? Will one of me be enough for three of them?" The list went on. And then came all the selfish thoughts, that I'm too ashamed to even list.
But even with all this stress, anxiety, and paranoia taking over me, there was still love. The most pure love I've ever known, maternal love. I have been blessed with two beautiful babies, and soon to be a third. Although this baby wasn't planned and we weren't ready, that doesn't make it any less precious or loved.
I know this will be our last baby, and I can't help but feel conflicted about it. This is the last time I will have another heart beating inside my body, the last time I get to feel the little baby flutters that turn into visible kicks and movements, the last time my belly will be this big and beautiful. This will be the last time I bring a fresh soul earthside.
I may still have fears and worries of what's to come, but for now, I just want to savor it all❤🌿 •
• Motherhood memoir by @julie_houghton • Photo by @caitijackson • tag #memoirsofmotherhood to be featured •