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In both these photos I'm battling my #mentalhealth πŸ’ͺ🏻 In both I am depressed, anxious, self-conscious and suffering an eating disorder. The difference is that in the left my mental health has effected me to the point where it consequently deteriorated my physical health. And this is what makes me LOOK sick πŸ€•πŸ’‰πŸ₯Though, being physical impaired due to mental illness doesn't necessarily mean one is "sicker" than someone who still appears healthy. In fact, many people who are fighting the biggest battles are those who don't get offered the help they need because they don't have this particular "look". The sad reality is that the majority of mental health issues go unnoticed until they also become a physical issue. I for one am a pure example of this. Having battled eating and weight problems for years prior to becoming medically compromised, I had no idea that I in fact had a recognised and prevalent disorder. I just thought that it was me and my life and that it all sucked. Without knowing it was a condition that could actually be treated and recovered from, I became completely hopeless and convinced that life could never get better. This is what lead me further down the path of self-destruction. And by the time it was finally suspected that there was something wrong, I was almost dead.....
I was lucky in that it wasn't too late for me, but too many people are overlooked and lose their lives to silent illnesses. And it's largely due to not being seen or heard as important enough to get the help they need. These illnesses include depression, bipolar, anxiety, personality and eating disorders to name just a few. They even branch further to immune disorders, some chronic pain disorders and many more. It's important to never assume someone is fine, or conversely sick, purely on appearance. Everyone struggling is worthy of love, care and support and no one should go unheard πŸ™ŒπŸ»β€οΈ

I've noticed how easy it is to cling to struggles with food and my body sometimes. It's not something we enjoy, but it's something that I've found to still be quite addictive. I try to encourage myself to be so self-loving and positive, but sometimes, our deepest feelings are stronger and we must acknowledge their existence.
Doing things like pushing down our struggles or ignoring our rough relationship with food is not nearly as helpful as allowing those thoughts to flow through our minds.
Let yourself experience what's truly happening deep down. Because opening that door allows us to find healing after taking time to process it all. Burying our struggles will make them stronger and fight off our efforts to love ourselves, making recovery far less possible.
β˜€οΈIt's okay to worry
β˜€οΈIt's okay to hurt
β˜€οΈIt's okay to feel
Let it happen, we can then set ourselves free.

A summer photo I never got around to posting on a morning where I was feeling exhausted, anxious, sad, but unwilling to give into any ED behaviors to numb it all out. And this morning, I'm doing it again. Recovery is work, but in the long run, it will always, always be worth it. You are more than your urges.
Here I am, feeling.

When I was 18 I wouldn't dare post anything on social media unless I looked 'perfect'. πŸ’œ
I dieted constantly.
I wouldn't leave the house without makeup.
I couldn't bare to even look at my tummy.
Everything I posted on Instagram was highly edited, to the point where I didn't even recognise myself. Because at the time I really didn't like who I saw. ... definitely not perfect right?! πŸ’œ
Now 3 years later and a LOT LOT LOT of hard work I can post pictures of me how I TRULY am. No editing, no makeup, no posing. Just me!
And that's just a little bit amazing 😊
Because now I know that I don't need to try to be something I'm not.
I don't need to hide behind filters or makeup.
I don't need to pretend that I'm someone who has everything figured out.
I don't need to pretend that I don't have problems or that my life is perfect.
Because it's not!!! πŸ’œ
Nobody's life is perfect no matter what there social media feed says.
Everyone has bad days, things about themselves they'd love to change, something about their lives they want to be better. πŸ’œ
Social media is a highlighted reel and nowhere near a true representation of how difficult life can be.
But I'm going to keep doing everything I can to change that and be as raw and real as possible! .... who's with me?! πŸ’•πŸ’ͺπŸ»πŸ’•πŸ’ͺπŸ»πŸ’•

Do you know the authentic "you"?
Or just the hologram you've created of yourself?
I have to ask myself this sometimes, because it's easy for me to think, "oh Monica should be like this, or should think this, or should be doing this..."
Maybe these ideas still manifest from experiences when we were young, or from an influential person in our formative years.
It's never too late to ask yourself what you truly want, or who you truly are. (And it's okay for that to change).
Or hey, maybe ask those close to you what they see of you?
Let's help each other πŸ™
πŸ“·: @lifeinanimage πŸ‘™: @mikaswim @mikayogawear

Day 164
*So I couldn't find a pic to represent the post so instead here's a video I put on snap chat on Day 6 to wind everyone up.... thankfully it came true..πŸπŸ‘*
Still getting used to it
I suppose over time, like anything else, you start to get used to things. I'm not saying that I now find it normal that I walk everywhere like a concussed giraffe in heels or that Lois can beat me up, but it certainly isn't surprising anymore. Saying that, every now and again I'm still reminded of just how bonkers this whole situation is.
On Monday night VU Ltd and the Mint rooms in Bath kindly hosted a fundraising curry night in support of my rehab. The evening took the form of a meal followed by a q&a and some entertainment. Ive been to my fair share of fundraisers in the past, that's nothing new, but how the hell have I become the benefactor of one!? Its crazy but it's also lucky. I probably use the word lucky too much and should consult a thesaurus now and again but it's the best way to describe how I feel most of the time. Im not saying that it's all down to random chance, what I really mean is that I'm fortunate (lucky) that I have the means to at least have a chance of a decent recovery and Monday night was just an example of that. At the same time Im fully aware that many others aren't afforded the same opportunities that I am. This has become increasingly clear to me having got to know so many others with SCIs over the last few months and is something I am determined to shed more light on and try and change moving forward. *watch this space*
Serious injury or illness is just as much a mental battle as a physical one and the moral support that I get from you guys following my journey online or turning up to events like Monday is just as, if not more important than the financial support I get to continue my rehab. So although I think you're all crazy showing me so much support for effectively having a year off work, thank you, it makes all the difference. πŸ˜‰
P.s. Tuscan wedding plans underway... As Fleetwood Mac aren't available I need recommendations for bands or musicians please, otherwise I'm going to have to play the saxophone and no one needs that. πŸ•ΊπŸŽΈπŸŽ·

#tb zu den CrΓͺpes die ich mit meiner Melina und meiner Anna bei den #Parklichtern2017 hatte.πŸ’—
#missu πŸ’­
Therapie hat heute sssehr gut getan! An solchen Tagen denke ich mir echt, was ich nur ohne sie machen wΓΌrde. Denn ich will gar nicht har genau wissen, wie mein Essverhalten sich die nΓ€chsten Tage entwickelt hΓ€tte, wenn ich heute nicht bei ihr gewesen wΓ€re. Gott ich liebe diese Frau.πŸ˜©πŸ˜…πŸ’— Darauf habe ich mir heute erstmal etwas Schoki gekauft.πŸ˜›πŸ«
Und Leute, langsam bin ich verdammt froh, dass meine WeisheitszΓ€hnen morgen in genau 3 Wochen raus kommen... Es ist halt extrem unangenehm und tut teilweise weh.πŸ™„πŸ˜‚
Hoffe euch geht's gut.πŸ’—
#magersucht #anorexie #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #ana #anarecovery #recovery #recoveryfromanorexia #recoveryfromana #recoveryfromed #recoveryispossible #recoveryisworthit #ed #edwarrior #edrecovery #bulimia #depression #foodblog #blog #crepes #klinikamkorso #kurpark #badoeyenhausen

SOBRIETY IS AVENGER'S APPROVED ACCORDING TO THIS SOBER MOM! Miriam from @Doingdrugssucks sent me this photo of her mom in #NYC and what makes it especially dear to me is that Miriam and her mom (seen in photo) are both sober family's but also speaking out about Miriam's brother (her son) who overdosed nearing 7 years ago! Thank you for taking a stance for families against addiction! YOU ARE A MIRACLE because this is a family disease! Wishing you all the best on your recovery journey too!
I urge you to get a 100% sober tee from us like the one she's wearing here and send us your photo of how you speak out for recovery! Get it at SubstanceForYou.com / get there ASAP by clicking the link in our bio!
#recoveryispossible #sober #soberlife #sobriety #sobermovement #Soberissexy #partysober #recovery #blog #blogger #addictionrecovery #recoveryroad #alcoholicsanonymous #mentalhealth #drugfree #eatingdisorders #advocate #bullying #selfhelp #author #awareness #clean #cleanlife #cleanliving #SubstanceForYou #Lifestyle

#afternoonsnack πŸ‘…πŸ’–πŸ’ͺ🏼☺️these were my last mike and Ikes 😭 i want moooore😒


Sometimes people start out their posts bragging about their filter free selfie. With me, it'll all be filter free because I'm not that technically advanced. Asparagus, veggies sautΓ©ed in coconut oil, turmeric baked cod, a double berry oat muffin (later slathered with almond butter) and the usual glass of kefir with s shot o' kombucha. I am aware the same vegetables appear in most of my meals. This is because I am currently somewhat limited as to what my body can digest. So, for the time being, these contenders are on repeat. #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatittobeatit #eattogrow #prorecovery #progressnotperfection #recovery #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #anorexia #anorexianervosa #orthorexia #orthorexiarecovery #anorexianervosarecovery #anorexiarecovery #dinner #dinnerideas #nourishtoflourish #muffins #veggies #fish #homemade #cod #turmeric

Met with a friend the other day. She excitedly told me all about the new diet she was on.
Whenever someone talks about dieting, I freeze. That little irrational voice comes back - "I should be dieting too. I should be trying to shrink too. SEE, being small is better." Since having the diet conversation with my friend the other day, I've felt the need to weigh myself - and have. I've felt the need to cut out food groups and eat cleaner - just like my friend.
Talked with a therapist today and she reminded me that just because my friend is dieting, doesn't mean I have to engage in dieting behaviors too. She reminded me that dieting is a trigger that I don't have to act on, even though it feels like I should.
It's been hard to avoid the diet culture this week - it feels like diet talk is everywhere I go. But as I sit here writing this, eating chocolate chip cookies and strawberries, I'm thankful that I'm not in that place of rigid, restrictive eating rules anymore. That isn't how I want to go back to living my life. Id rather count my orgasms instead of my calories ANY day. Fuck ED and fuck dieting. There is more to life then obsessing about what I should and should not eat.

Carry this mug β˜•οΈ
Spark conversations πŸ™Œ
Change the world 🌎
Link in bio to shop @mentalhealthmugs
10% of net profits go to mental health causes

#timhortons again for the #afternoonsnack #afternoontea , hopefully you guys are not tired of meπŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ and #dinner again is #noodle 🍜 i know, but Chinese people love noodle, not my fault πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ #ed #edfam #edfighter #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecover #edwarrior #recovery #realrecovery #recoverywin #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #foodisfuel #foodie #anarecovery #anorexia #anorexic #anorexiarecovery

Had rice noodle curry for dinner with a glass of milk!! I've also got a HUGE fear food planned for snack tonight! (it's butter tarts) Bring it ana πŸ‘ŠπŸ‘Š
#recovery #anorexiarecovery #ed #edrecovery #edwarrior #eatingdisorderrecovery #anarecovery #anorexia #ana #edfamily #mentalillness #beatana #recoveryispossible#fearfood #recoverywin #eatingdisorder #edfam #healthynotskinny #foodisfuel #fightmentalilness #beatanorexia #instafood

RECOVERY WIN ALERT EVERYONE!!! Not to sound cocky or anything but like I just completely f-ed up Ana πŸ’ So I forgot to take a photo of my dinner but it was rice and tomato stuffed cabbage and I was super full after eating it but I REALLY wanted this apple crisp. Dessert is like a forbidden thing to me because I'm so unrealistically afraid it'll make me gain so much weight and that I'll start binging. However, I said I want this and I even put whipped topping on it AND ATE THE ENTIRE THING. I felt like it was a binge but it was so. Good. Sometimes to win you just need to stop your brain and just do it. And let's just say recovery tastes good 😜#edfamily #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #edrecovery #edawareness #ana #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #anorexic #anorexiaawareness #anawarrior #edwarrior #anawho #anarecovery #anaawareness #recoveryisworthit #recoverywin #recoveryispossible #eatittobeatit #healthynotskinny #healthynothungry #strongnotskinny #fuckana #recoverywin #fall #applecrisp #dessert #fearfood

I was looking through my medical history and it's sobering. There are very real complications from an eating disorder that last long after the behaviors stop. Not many days go by that I don't stop to think of those who have helped me and I'm so thankful. Seeing my files and diagnosis and knowing I am a lucky one who had the right people, the best care, and the help I needed. If you are struggling please know it's more than a diet.. there are very real consequences. I still fear that I've damaged my body from the years of abuse i put it through. Every tooth in my mouth has had work done. There were times I was afraid to sleep. The lies I believed were very real. This isn't about vanity. There is help. You can always reach out to me and I will help you find someone to talk to. The biggest lie you will ever believe is that you are alone, no one will undersrand, and you should feel shame. #silenceisdeadly #recoveryispossible #chooseiteveryday #recovery

Usually when I binge all day I just skip dinner and feel miserable for gaining weight. Today I binged all day. Yes I am feeling anxiety for gaining weight but I also allowed my self to have a nice dinner with no depravation.
Tomorrow I have work so that's good :) Tomorrow is a new day and a new start πŸ’†

Keep coming back and we'll teach you a better way to live // #seachangerecovery #anewexperience

I need a man who makes me feel like I'm on dope.πŸ˜‚ Being off opiates is tough lol a favorite song though from Aaliyah ❀

#aaliyah #rocktheboat #boat #addiction #addict #recovery #recoveryispossible #sober #soberissexy #jury #vote #single #singleasfuck #overdrive #dope #music #lyrics #vibing #positivevibes #gamer #reader #writer #nerd #geek #canadian #goodmusic #telegram

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