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My body πŸ’•βœ¨Even since I first became conscious of my appearance as a child, I've always associated it with shame, disgust and loathing....
I don't know what triggered such a hateful relationship with my appearance, but it's something that has never left me. For years it loomed in my distant thoughts - arising ever so often as a subtle reminder that my worth was less than those with slender frames and flat stomachs. But it slowly evolved over time, growing unnoticeably more powerful and domineering, until one day it's voice was so loud nothing else was audible πŸ’€ It consumed me to the point that everything I did was focused around how it would influence the way I looked. I took action to make my body what I thought was "desirable" which in turn would make me feel the sense of worth I always longed for. But I never seemed to find this theoretical happiness πŸ™ƒ And my body has changed a lot throughout my life. In shape, size, weight, height, build, colour. And my conclusion? That no matter WHAT combination of body features I've had, desirable or not, I have never been truly happy with my body. Hating your body won't make you thin, and being thin won't make you not hate your body. Coming to this realisation made me frustrated because it meant that I could never find a sense of peace and harmony with myself. BUT this is untrue. Maybe body acceptance isn't dependant on HOW we look, but how we THINK about the way we look! It comes when we stop criticising what we have and desiring what we don't have. When we look at who we are and realise that regardless of what we look like, we are beautiful πŸ™ŒπŸ» That beauty isn't determined by presence of thigh gaps or absence of body hair, but rather the character of the soul within. Your exterior is but additional decorations - your unique markings, freckles, scars, creases, dimples, curves, edges. Your imperfections are what make you a masterpiece. So although I am extremely self-conscious about this photo of my body I choose to accept myself for who I am πŸ’—
New bikini from @saltymermaidswim for whom I have just became an ambassador πŸ‘™πŸŒŠπŸš Use SALTYSTORYOFKOREY15 to get a 15% discount on your own purchases! Xx

I would like to share a little bit about my experience with the phrase 'Goal weight' regarding my recovery.
In my recovery from Anorexia and Bulimia whenever I have been underweight the aim set by my professionals was to achieve a BMI of 20 (As pictured in the first image). Anything under this number was classed as underweight and in my disordered mind, anything above that number was 'not acceptable'. This was a battle in my mind up until this last year when I finally let go of the control I thought I had and listened to what my body needed. I ate what I craved, I ate when I needed too, I stopped weighing myself and passionately rebelled against everything my ED mind wanted me to do. This led to my body finding its natural set weight which was greater than the MINIMUM requirements set by my professionals (As seen in the 2nd image). The thing is BMI is bullshit and I've said that for a long time. It only takes height and weight ratio into consideration.
For me a BMI of 20 is still unhealthy.. I was physically and mentally unhealthy and still in the grips of a eating disorder. Even looking at the first image I don't see a weight restored woman... At all. Recovering from a eating disorder is NOT about numbers... It is about having a healthy relationship with food and your body. It is about having a life that isn't revolved around food, numbers and appearance. It's about freedom and clarity. It's about breaking free from obsession. I always thought gaining weight would be the end of me but instead it was actually the opposite... it was the deal breaker. The deal I made with the devil disappeared and the darkness began to dissipate. As my body healed my mind became clearer and more rational... my thoughts surrounding my eating disorder and relationship with food began to change with every challenge. Persistence was key.. at first it was awful and I didn't feel better but with time I formed acceptance and gained a sense of freedom. Recovery doesn't start off easy. It's hard. But it's worth it. Nothing worth achieving is ever easy. Recovering from my eating disorder is ongoing but I am paddling in the shallows now rather than drowning in the depths of it. (continue⬇️)

Toast Tuesday 😌🍌

Headed out with my dad and Shadow for dinner and shopping in Camberwell and Burwood. Sooo needed to get out of the hospital and have some fun and normality for an evening. I'm feeling incredibly home sick at the moment but am putting my recovery first by accepting the extra treatment. Omg Thai out was amazing after over 3 weeks of very limited hospital food. I then got to buy two new pairs of happy pants at Burwood one- 1 of which I'll hold off on wearing until I get a chance to shave my legs πŸ˜‚ as well as a Kmart adventure, a gift to brighten a friend's day in here and picking out chocolates to challenge myself with this week. Sorry for my recent absence, I'm not sure why but I've really withdrawn on many platforms. But I still love and think of you all daily and have heaps of pics to catch up with sharing with you. Sending love out to all ❀️
#burwoodvillage#recovery #recoveringaussies #recoverywarrior #edrecovery #ed #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #anorexic #anarecovery #prorecovery #anxietyrecovery #anxiety #recoveryispossible #generalisedanxietydisorder #depressionrecovery #depression #mooddisorder #bpdrecovery #bpd #2fab4ana #letsopenupnotgiveup #fuckdietculture #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillness #mentalhealth #edfamily #realrecovery

Today I went out shopping with two of my oldest (and closest) friends for a girls-day-out doing some shopping and just hanging out β˜ΊοΈπŸ’– we brought a few clothes and stuff, hung out, grabbed a bite to eat, complained about boys (and girls for me πŸ˜‚) and yeah it was a good day πŸ‘πŸ» definitely need to do it again πŸ’– only two more days to go!! I'm so excited to get my first tattoo πŸ™ˆ lol nervous tho cause needles.... but it'll be worth it I'm sure 😁 anyways, lunch for me today was this big bowl of chips that I demolished πŸ’ͺ🏻 and they also gave me two pots of tomato sauce?? Lol k πŸ˜‚ whilst browsing the shops I came across a quote in a Lorna Jane sports store: "some days you eat salads and work out, others you eat cupcakes and do nothing. It's called balance" πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™πŸ» its the perfect quote I think πŸ‘ŒπŸ» alrighty frens, I hope you all have had pleasant days/nights and continue to do so 😘❀️

Weekdays be like... #halp #sleepygirl

Yeah bitches look who's back πŸ’ͺ🏻πŸ’₯πŸ‹πŸ½β€β™€οΈ ft. belly button sweat πŸ’¦.
After letting my agoraphobia win for the last 9 weeks, I decided I missed the gym πŸ‹πŸ½β€β™€οΈ too much and it was time to force myself to go back. I'm extremely proud of myself because I convinced myself a million times that it was okay if I didn't go and that I didn't have to and that I'd get a lot more study done if I didn't. LOL DAT AVOIDANCE πŸ˜‚ I did back and chest today and actually found that I'd maintained some strength πŸ’ͺ🏻 and haven't gone back to square one ☝🏻.
Sometimes we have to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. We resist πŸ‘ŠπŸ» we fight back βš”οΈ we avoid and make excuses but sometimes you just have to put those urges aside because whatever it is you have to do is going to be good for you in the long run. You won't succeed in anything if there isn't a little bit of push πŸ˜‰πŸ™ŒπŸ» along the way. .
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Also the fuck is my pinky finger doing in this photo πŸ€”πŸ™ƒ
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#inspiration #motivation #anorexia #ptsd #anxiety #depression #recoveringaussies #edwarrior #edfamily #edsoldier
#recovery #2fab4ana #foodisfuel #realrecovery #prorecovery #bodyimage #bodypositivity #foodie #recoveryispossible #strongnotskinny #strength #positivity #agoraphobia #brave

MID-SEMESTER BREAK! Which means......more study βœπŸ»πŸ“–βœ¨
I've been hanging out for this break for ages now, having to wait until after week 9 ('mid-semester' my eye πŸ™„) to stop the work flowing in. In theory it is the opportunity to take some time off from my studies and try to recuperate from the strenuous semester. But sadly it seems I need to keep busting my butt through school work πŸ‘ŠπŸ» I'm not too fussed about that because study is the one thing that keeps me in a regular routine and focuses my energy towards something productive, rather than self-destructive βœ”οΈ I probably could afford to take it easy but I know that this would likely be more difficult on my mental health, as I feel guilty when I don't anything done. I stress when I study and stress when I don't study - it's a no win situation πŸ™ˆ Oh well, just hanging out for the end of the year!
It's still a while away but I'm going to VIETNAM with my family and @michael_daviss over New Years βœˆοΈπŸŒ΄πŸŽŽπŸŽ‰ I literally can't wait!!!! As you all know my favourite food in the entire world is PhΓ΅ which is a traditional Vietnamese dish 🍜🌏β™₯️ I'll be eating it literally everyday. It's still 92 days until we fly out but the thought of finally visiting this beautiful country is what's keeping me going and pushing me through the rest of university πŸ’ͺ🏻 To all of you heading into the pointy end of your semester - hang in there! Only a few weeks to go xxx

Another Tuesday nearly over, another DBT group session done and another netball game to play. Though I'm not complaining DBT therapy is helping me in my recovery immensely and I've always considered netball to be a part of my therapy. Gotta run out all those frustrations and unwanted emotions someway 😜 Work rang me yesterday and asked if I could work 5 days and as much as I'd like to (umm, money πŸ’°) I had to say no as I have other commitments that are important and I have to be vigilant with making my mental health a priority. Fingers crossed I maybe get one day this week, but if not, there's always next week ☺️

MOST RECENT

I'm puttanesca-ing the past behind me and trying to move forwards every day. It's hard, but it'll be worth it in the end 🍝πŸ₯—πŸŒΆπŸŸ #edfam #edfamily #edcommunity #eatittobeatit #anorexiarecovery #anorexianervosarecovery #orthorexia #edrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #prorecovery #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #recoverywarrior #recoveringaussies #realrecovery #adultswitheds

FINALLY TRIED A #bobsbowls BOWL!!! had this yummy "nacho bob" bowl for lunch at plant4! veggie goodness!!! 😍😍😍😍

things have been very hard health wise atm. having lots if tests, lots of appointments, ect. but i am keeping positive! i have been having so much yummy food lately, (going to post them on my story). its my dogs birthday on friday and i am so excited to see her, i am going to my dads tomorrow and get to see her. i bought her a happy birthday natural peanut butter and cacao bone too. πŸ˜ŒπŸ’– i hope everyone is well. if you want to keep updated on my medical stuff, feel free to follow @chronicallyshay, (i post more on there than here.) πŸ’–πŸ₯

Loaded potato for dinner!!! Sweet potato with chili, spinach, guacamole, aoli, and nutritional yeast! Oh my God, sooo goooood πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹
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#anorexiarecovery #anorexia #anorexianervosa #anarecovery #ana #eatingdisorderrecovery #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #edsoldier #edwarrior #adultswitheds #recoveringaussies #vegan #plantbased

Another Tuesday nearly over, another DBT group session done and another netball game to play. Though I'm not complaining DBT therapy is helping me in my recovery immensely and I've always considered netball to be a part of my therapy. Gotta run out all those frustrations and unwanted emotions someway 😜 Work rang me yesterday and asked if I could work 5 days and as much as I'd like to (umm, money πŸ’°) I had to say no as I have other commitments that are important and I have to be vigilant with making my mental health a priority. Fingers crossed I maybe get one day this week, but if not, there's always next week ☺️

My body πŸ’•βœ¨Even since I first became conscious of my appearance as a child, I've always associated it with shame, disgust and loathing....
I don't know what triggered such a hateful relationship with my appearance, but it's something that has never left me. For years it loomed in my distant thoughts - arising ever so often as a subtle reminder that my worth was less than those with slender frames and flat stomachs. But it slowly evolved over time, growing unnoticeably more powerful and domineering, until one day it's voice was so loud nothing else was audible πŸ’€ It consumed me to the point that everything I did was focused around how it would influence the way I looked. I took action to make my body what I thought was "desirable" which in turn would make me feel the sense of worth I always longed for. But I never seemed to find this theoretical happiness πŸ™ƒ And my body has changed a lot throughout my life. In shape, size, weight, height, build, colour. And my conclusion? That no matter WHAT combination of body features I've had, desirable or not, I have never been truly happy with my body. Hating your body won't make you thin, and being thin won't make you not hate your body. Coming to this realisation made me frustrated because it meant that I could never find a sense of peace and harmony with myself. BUT this is untrue. Maybe body acceptance isn't dependant on HOW we look, but how we THINK about the way we look! It comes when we stop criticising what we have and desiring what we don't have. When we look at who we are and realise that regardless of what we look like, we are beautiful πŸ™ŒπŸ» That beauty isn't determined by presence of thigh gaps or absence of body hair, but rather the character of the soul within. Your exterior is but additional decorations - your unique markings, freckles, scars, creases, dimples, curves, edges. Your imperfections are what make you a masterpiece. So although I am extremely self-conscious about this photo of my body I choose to accept myself for who I am πŸ’—
New bikini from @saltymermaidswim for whom I have just became an ambassador πŸ‘™πŸŒŠπŸš Use SALTYSTORYOFKOREY15 to get a 15% discount on your own purchases! Xx

Inspired by the calligraphy group I went to last night. I'm sat in the sun, headphones on, listening to music whilst I draw...well...write. I'm not sure how I am feeling today. I don't know what's inside of me. #calligraphy #quotes #quote #art #fineliner #finelinerart #cculyf #anxiety #depression #eupd #edwarrior #atypicalanorexia #recoveringaussies #residentialtreatment

How do you even say you're not okay anymore? That you're sick of lying, you're sick of making excuses, your sick of crying and sleeping for hours because you're too exhausted to do anything. How do you get people to listen to you πŸ˜“

My name is Otto and I terrorize the cleaner so much that she refuses to work if I'm at home so my Mum (Livs boss) has to bring me into work every Tuesday and I get looked after at reception. Got taken for a walk and now time to nap. Otto out 🐢. Isn't he a cutie guys!!! He's so small and cheeky 😍. #anorexiarecovery #mealplan #anarecovery #beatana #togetherwecan #fearfood #mealplan #fearfoodchallenge #eatitobeatit #edsoldier #edrecoveryarmy #adultswithed #recoveryisworthit #recoveringaussies
#eatingdisorderrecovery #2fab4ana #balancednotclean #beyourownrecoveryhero

For 300 days I checked this daily just to keep me on track. And this was already the tenth time I had set, reset and reset the counting page when I fell. Stumbled across it on my phone today and realized the last time I saw it was when it said 415 days. Proof that it can easier, recovery is possible and try, try and try again can work. The addiction, the torture and the thrill, all distant memories that no longer haunt me and don't even enter my mind. Wherever you are in recovery from ANYTHING, never give up trying. Eventually you will 'start again' for the last time.
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. #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #anorexianervosa #recovery #ed #edsoldier #edwarrior #progress #motivateyourself #reminder #happyhappy #itispossible #recoveringaussies #ana #mia #bingepurge #addiction #addictionrecovery #nevergoingback #edhelp #motivation #recoverymotivation #edcommunity #nevergiveup

Snacking at home and at uni cos I have to gain weight πŸ˜’

Lunch at uni was a roast eggplant, onion, chilli and beetroot salad with a drizzle of balsamic. + Current read
I would really like to thank everyone who commented on my last post from yesterday. I really want to reply to everyone but I just don't have the energy at the moment. Please don't take it that I'm ignoring you. I called my mum after the appointment and she left work early to come and keep an eye on me. Had a good cry + PRN + walked the dogs + dinner and went to bed. I know I shouldn't let this effect me or my recovery but it has thrown me a little. I'm not giving up, just a bit lost. I know restricting isn't an option. It's just the depression that has been triggered is my issue. I've not been this low since last year. Self harm and suicidal thoughts are transforming from being passive to concrete. I've caught myself researching methods and fantasizing about sleep. I'm at a loss of what to do. I can tell my parents are worried. Still going to try and stick to a somewhat normal routine. I need to keep busy as down time is dangerous atm. I'm not giving up. Just a couple steps backwards. I know that my dietian can't compromise with me because it them means I can always compromise which is a slippery slope. My motivation isn't there anymore but I'll try and go though the actions. Keep my head above water. I can't afford to lose weight this Friday because that means I'll be kicked out of day program. Without day program I have nothing. No purpose and that's what frightens me.
Sorry again for being negative. I know it can trigger some people. Please keep fighting everyone xXxX

A lot has happened in the last 2 weeks it’s hard to kind of process.
I’m out of hospital for good but it involved me kind of escaping instead of rightfully being discharged... yeah.. πŸ˜…
Things have gone well recovery-wise and I’ve finally got the sense that a new chapter has begun and I’ve left the part holding onto the sickness behind for good.
Funnily enough I also got an article posted about me in the #dailymail which I have mixed feelings about but does emphasize my commitment to moving forward not back (for me personally anyway)

Pics of my meal home and of my brought in breakfast. Question of the day: How can the hospital cook make food if he doesn't have a brain?!?!

Weekdays be like... #halp #sleepygirl

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