#recoveringaussies

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Maybe I'm not getting better, maybe I'm just getting better at hiding it.....
Something that's been playing on my mind lately. It seems that the weeks following my TMS treatment I fall into a pit of severe depression πŸ’€πŸŒͺ I believe my depression is always present, however my anxiety often overshadows my hopeless thoughts, keeping me in a state of arousal and alertness all the time 😳😧πŸ˜₯ Then when my anxiety is momentarily lifted after some intense TMS maintenance, it brings my depression to the forefront where I suddenly FEEL everything it has to offer. The self-loathing, guilt, pity, shame, disinterest, lack of motivation and heartache πŸ’” Each time this happens it leaves me in a vulnerable position, in terms of falling victim to my alluring ED coping mechanisms once again πŸ‘» I know they haven't helped me in the past, in fact that almost killed me (!), but the temptation to resort back to comfortable old habits is right there in front of me within arms reach.....Its in these moments I have to use all the skills, knowledge and strategies I've learnt throughout my period of "recovery from anorexia" to fight off the enticing voices and ignore all their lies and fake promises πŸ‘ŠπŸ»βŒ I have to find the tiny bit of hope that I have left and grab hold of it before it too is sucked into the abyss of hopelessness πŸ•³ Without hope we have no chance of overcoming our mental illnesses. Even if we aren't quite convinced it's possible yet, having the thought that just maybe I COULD get better is enough to begin a path in a new direction πŸ”œ One thing I am grateful for is that this time I can recognise that I'm starting to slip down a slope that only goes down πŸ“‰ That I know what is right and what is wrong and that I will never find happiness if I choose my eating disorder πŸ™…πŸ» I don't wish to bring anyone else down by this post, I only wish to portray myself with all honesty on my account which involves sharing my highs and my lows. To all of you struggling at the moment; don't give up just because things seem hard right now. You are strong and will overcome this little dip in your road πŸ’ͺ🏻 find #strength in yourself and keep pushing forward, know that you're not alone ❀✨

Eating Disorders aren't a choice. Plain and simple.
You try to get in an argument with a science graduate and artist, you get this. Part one of my mini series "My Eating Disorder is not my choice".
Throughout this series, I will be doing research into the science behind Eating Disorders and exploring each possible factor that makes it impossible for someone to just "snap out of it".
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I spent a lot of time doing my research and putting part one together, so I hope you like it πŸ’•

Eating shouldn't be this hard. πŸ˜”

Ice cream cake from last night πŸ¦πŸŽ‚πŸ°Sooo... appointment went shit πŸ‘ŽπŸ» In short, I've lost a lot of weight and also a lot on my MAC too. I'm definitely not as low as my previous admissions, but my doctors are making it seem like it's just as bad πŸ˜’ rn they're discussing wether I should go inpatient... FUCK DAT 😾 I'll show them, there hasn't been a bigger kick in the ass then this to get my shit together πŸ‘ŠπŸ»

#NEDAwareness
So it's Neda awareness week, and instead of posting an emaciated photo of myself, here is a photo of what Anorexia Nervosa actually looks like.
You'll find me to the left, mid melt down, crying over the fact that I was going to be admitted to hospital for the 12th time to be refed. It's peculiar to most that I was not crying due to my failing kidneys, my non-existent immune system, my nerve damage, heart issues and hardly stable blood pressure. Eating just brought up so many emotions and Anorexia had lead me to this point in my life where I was so elated at the prospect of dying, the 24:7 torture was just too much more to take. Breaking the mental rules were out of the question.
Anorexia is more than underweight or even healthy weighted victims. Behind the stigma, the face of 'Ana' is ugly crying tantrums, families distressed and torn apart, individuals torn apart.. You're never the same after an Eating Disorder, but you CAN be free.

I came and conquered. And now have a peachy butt.
#recoveringaussies #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #neda

I have been working my way through the @arthurstreetkitchen cookbook that was gifted to me for my birthday and we are absolutely loving it. Last night we made the Nasi Goreng which was perfect for this cooler weather!!

day 18: fuck thinner, eat dinner πŸ• today has been a day of decisions, of anxiety, and of getting real with myself. it's a hard job, being honest with yourself, when you have a voice in your head trying to convince you there's no problem at all. this isn't sustainable anymore - at 23, i eat less than a toddler, and weigh the same as an average 12 year old. but that aside, i am being left behind. i have so much i want out of life, and it's starting to become clear to me that i cannot have both anorexia and a real life. i have to start making difficult choices, and today i am starting on that path while my motivation and desire for a full life is burning bright. things are happening friends βœ¨πŸŒŸπŸ’« #365project #project365 #recoveringaussies #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery

When a photo doesn't do your food justice πŸ˜ πŸ™…πŸΌ Had leave from hospital earlier this week and went to one of my favourite cafes and got this bowl of deliciousness. Was a challenge as it's not my usual aΓ§ai bowl but I did, conquered and succeeded πŸ’ͺ🏻 So I got the Mexican bowl full of black beans, a bunch of different veggies, avo, corn tortilas and vegan sour cream, (yum!) and my mum got the falafel burger, and we both got iced coffees with coconut ice cream of course πŸ˜‹πŸ™πŸ» #goteam
It's so nice to get leave, to get out of hospital. To get real fresh air, to taste real food, to drink real coffee, to be in normal society where no one know where you've come from or what you've been through. It's a bazare feeling. But that 1 hour of freedom was amazing, and I enjoyed every second of it. And I enjoyed every second of this food too πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹
β€’
Don't take things for granted. Be appreciative and grateful for the things around you. For the air that you breathe, the food and drink that you have. The interactions you create. Life is a blessing. Never, ever forget that πŸ’–

MOST RECENT

Journal I made in art therapy β›… The last couple of days have been quite tough but I have been making it all the way through meals and I haven't had to have any fortisip. They moved me up to the next level so I get a half day leave tomorrow (Saturday). I don't know what my weight is which is making me quite anxious πŸ˜“

The sweetest thing happened today!! The psychologist and counsellor from my school sent me a bouquet of flowers because they know that I'm not doing too well πŸ™ˆπŸ’gonna eat some dinner soon and probably gonna spend the rest of the night snuggled in bed watching a movie or some tv 😴 hope you are all well x

#anorexia #anorexiarecovery #anarecovery #edrecovery #eatingdisorder #recent4recent #like4like #cafe #food #foodisfuel #health #strongnotskinny #recoveringaussies #anxiety #beatana #eatittobeatit #edfamily #2fab4ana #edsoldier #edfighters #healthy #health #fit #positive #togetherwecan #realrecovery #aussie #nourish #edrecovery #gym

When like 80-90% of your day is spent in bed because you're exhausted and your heart just can't take it 😞definitely going to the doctor I think because it's getting pretty ridiculous! However I did meet up with my new trauma therapist! Sadly it's not quite a match, so I think I'll have to keep looking. But I actually went!!! Yay!! I have work in the morning so im really hoping my body can pull itself together for it! I'll try upload another singing video soon peeps! ❀😘you're all amazing! #sick #selfie #nomakeup #nofilter #posturalorthostatictachycardiasyndrome #chronicfatigue #sickday #bestrong #recovery #edfighter #edsolider #edwarrior #edrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #realrecovery #recoveringaussies #recoveryisworthit #adultswitheds #nourishnotpunish #togetherwecan #balancednotclean #prorecovery #recoveryispossible #mentalhealth

Been M.I.A recently! I have been having the most fun and I've been the happiest that I have been in TOO LONG! Choose recovery. Choose your life. Choose health. Choose a new mentality. Choose freedom. Choose happiness. Choose recovery and make it your choice πŸ’š
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#nourishnotpunish #realcovery #recoveringed #recoveringaussies #healthylifestyle #flexitarian #edwarrior #fitfam #eatittobeatit #vegan #eatingdisorderrecovery #healthyrecovery #balancednotclean #recovered #healthynotskinny
#eatittobeatit #prorecovery #selflove #foodie #strongnotskinny #fightingforfit #postivevibes #inspo #recoveryaccount #foodphotography #recoveryisworthit

Morning tea at Day Program ~ today was self select at morning tea, which means everyone in the group had to select a challenge for morning tea. I went with a fear food : peanut butter. Peanut butter goes through many of my rules around food and it really freaked me out when I had to have 2 portions which goes against another rule of mine. But I did it. Now I just need to deal with the guilt, when eating it I found my anxiety wasn't as high as I predicted. The negative thoughts come after.
TRIGGER WARNING - NUMBERS
Today was final weigh in. Mondays is a way to check how you are going, to see how you went over the weekend. It allows you to make up during the week if you lost without losing one of 3 precious "chances" . Sadly today after what I thought was a really good week of eating and limiting exercise I managed to loose more weight. That means I'm down 1.5kg since discharge and if I don't make any improvements on the weekend I will get my first chance. I'm so scared, I can't afford mentally to go back to hospital.
Secretly a part of me is jumping for joy but another part feels angry at my body. Uhhhhhhh don't know if I should tell my parents or not :/ They will be so disappointed.

Was tagged by the beautiful @heyitsnic__ for the "I have a future" challenge. So here are some random facts about me seperate from my illnesses. (If ive tagged you feel free to write a bit about yourself too). I just turned the big 3-0 on st paddys day (march 17th). Many dont know but when i lived in perth i was studying nursing so my dream is to go and finish my studies. My passion in life is to be able to enrich and help the lives of others. Ive also been vegan for about 2 years. Im org from se-qld but i currently live in vic but do hope to return to qld to live by the end of the year. I really enjoy reading biographies, true crime and psychology texts. I also really enjoy watching docos, horror films and anything Harry Potter related.
Im also genderfluid/non-binary and prefer neutral pronouns (so please dont call me she/woman etc) and im pansexual.
I dont have many friends but when i do become friends with someone im very loyal and my friends are my family.

This looks so yum but also it's super expensive πŸ™„ (and super scary but let's not talk about that)
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I've been accepted into a day patient ED program, I'm kind of terrified because I'm scared I'll be the "biggest" one in the group. But I didn't have too much time to dwell on this because I'm going to have to balance work and uni as well, whew! πŸ˜‚
#prorecovery #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #recovery #recoveringaussies #depression #anxiety #ednos #lovingearth #veganchocolate #osfed #osfedrecovery #afternoonsnack #healthy #coconutmilk #caramelchocolate

When I started this account at the beginning of the year, I set the goal to reach 1000 followers by the end of the year. 3 months in and I'm at 11,000. Just... wow 🌸
I am so grateful for each and every one of you. There is so much love and support in this community and every day I'm touched by what I see. Thank you. Truly πŸ’•

5 years have been stole from me. Those 5 years where supposed to be some of the best years of my life. I spent those years deep in various mental states, hospital admission after hospital admission cycling my way through a plethora of pills. I thought 2016 would be my year to turn thing around, turns out it was one of my worst. Even though 2017 started with one of my longest hospital admissions, I am determined to catch up for lost time and start living my life. The beautiful @holly.can.recover came up with the inspiring tag #ihaveafuture where we share our future aspirations. Feel free to join in! And tag people when you post πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ My name is Leah πŸ¦„ I'm turning 20 this year πŸ’™I am studying to become a nurse and hope to work in adult mental health πŸ’™I want to visit 10p countries before I dieπŸ’™I want to live in a foreign country and do nursing there tooπŸ’™ I would love to be in a relationship πŸ’™ I don't know if I have a gender preferences, willing to try if the right person comes along πŸ’™I want to adopt many rescue greyhoundsπŸ’™I'm not fussed about children but am open mindedπŸ’™I collect books and want to publish a bookπŸ’™I plan to move into student housing next year given my healthπŸ’™ I've always wanted to open a bookshop cafeπŸ’™I want to pick up my Japanese againπŸ’™I want to live nearly ED freeπŸ’ͺ

I have been working my way through the @arthurstreetkitchen cookbook that was gifted to me for my birthday and we are absolutely loving it. Last night we made the Nasi Goreng which was perfect for this cooler weather!!

Good morning all ☺️ yesterday I was tagged by the lovely @holly.can.recover to share some fun facts about myself along with my hopes for my future using the hashtag #ihaveafuture I thought this was such a great idea, to introduce myself a bit more to my new followers but also a way to get to know my followers & other people in the recovery community. It's also a much needed reminder that we are not solely are diagnoses but rather we are much more, we are all perfectly imperfectly & our funny quirks, likes & dislikes, passions & interests, that is what makes up our soul, that is what makes us all so unique & different. So let's do this πŸ‘ŠπŸ» My name is Nic or Nicky & only a handful of people are allowed to call me by my full name (I will ignore you if you try and call me anything other than Nic or Nicky πŸ˜‚) I will be 2️⃣3️⃣ on August 3rd. I worked as a Childcare Educator πŸ‘¨β€πŸ« for 4 years & I have a passion for working with children, however I'm not sure if I will continue to further my 'career' in this industry. I am a complete dork despite trying my very hardest to appear effortlessly cool 😎 I am also very sarcastic (if you couldn't already tell). My fav colour is blue πŸ’™ I am an avid reader πŸ“š & I'm obsessed with Doctor Who & Harry Potter. My Hogwarts house is Slytherin πŸπŸ’š (what's yours ??) I make YouTube 🎬 videos & I sometimes find the inspiration to actually write a post for my blog πŸ‘©πŸ»β€πŸ’» I am a Lesbian πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆ I absolutely love playing netball 🏐 & I'm a self taught yogi (albeit one who hasn't regularly practised in a long while). I hated school & I hate studying, I am much more of a doer than a thinker. I love adventure & I'm a bit of a thrill seeker. I've bungy jumped in New Zealand, gone skydiving, travelled around Europe & been part of a mission trip to Thailand. I also can not click my fingers & this bothers me more than it probably should πŸ˜‚ I do not know what my future holds but a few of my hopes and dreams for my future include, traveling to more countries including going back to England & NZ, finding a new career or job that I love, getting married πŸ‘° & maybe one day having kids. ⬇️⬇️ continued in comments

My favorite jumper πŸ’œ
Is there anyone who can help me with uni chemistry ? I'm dying πŸ˜…
Finally don't have bad side effects from my new med armodafinil and it's making me slightly more alert , I'm still really tired but haven't napped yet Apart from at 7 at night πŸ‘ŒπŸ»
Keen for the weekend πŸ˜„πŸ˜„
#hospital #inpatient #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #anxiety #edfamily #edwarrior #edrecovery #realrecovery #recovery #recoveringaussies #adultswithed #endthestigma #study #uni #studyhelp #chemistry #science #nerd #weekendvibes @ghandaclothing #smile #happy #friyay #mentalillness #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #mentalhealth #fakeittillyoumakeit #hypersomnia

Could I find a lovelier place to have my afternoon tea? This granola slice came from the Ottolenghi deli. He's a celebrity chef my family loves so I had to visit his place. I wanted something take away that was easy to eat on the go. The muffins and the cookies would have been easy, but what's the point of going to the famous place and getting something so boring?? So I got the scariest thing there for me. Dense, full of dried fruit and nuts which my ED once had me calling "basically lollies" and "death bombs of fat" respectively πŸ˜‚ God is it stupid sometimes. I really enjoyed the flavour and eating in the park beside an area of London called Little Venice was so pleasant. ED is now trying to fill my head with numbers and get me in horrible trouble over this choice but I'm just going to ride the wave and know it will pass 🌊#recoveryinlondon #realrecovery #edrecovery #edfighter #edfam #edfamily #recoverywarriors #recoverywin #recoveringaussies #aussieswitheds #fearfoodchallenge #adultswitheds #eatittobeatit #2fab4ana #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #nourishnotpunish #healthynotskinny #balancedeating #healthyeating #healthateverysize #haes #edwarrior #bopo #bodypositive

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