NAIL BITING ~ this is what a pair of anxious hands look like ✋🏻🤚🏻
Biting my nails is my longest ongoing coping mechanism. As long as I can remember I've bitten them 😬 It's never been a thing I am consciously aware of, but I always end up finding my fingers in my mouth. I've been told off for it my whole life by my mum and grandma, who both bit theirs when they were young. The only difference is they grew out of the habit, whereas I became more obsessive. They tried everything to make me stop - manicures, bribery, foul-tasting nail polish and even wearing gloves. None of it powerful enough to stop my will to bite them 👎🏻❌ They both eventually gave up nagging me to stop and it's only continued and got worse. I've bitten them so short that they've bled 💔 Ripped and pulled at the skin around them. Bitten them down to the quick. Destroyed the cuticles so that my nail regrows crippled and wonky. This has happened over and over and over and over...I wore fake nails for a while but I would chew at the acrylic instead (which is poisonous) 💅🏻 Before my hospital admission, in one of my worse mental states as of yet, I decided to rip them all off, taking away about half my nail in the process. Upon reflecting on my terrible discussing habit, I've come to realise that my nail biting is and always has been a constant form of self harm 🔪💥 A way in which I feel satisfaction from hurting myself in order to cope with the emotional pain I am experiencing at the time. Be that at any age; 4, 11 or 19.
These are my nails today. Only two fingernails remain ✌🏻(my right thumb and middle finger), all the others bitten down to the bed but still resembling the shape of a nail. This still doesn't stop me, which frustrates me! I don't want to have this compulsion 😫 It was NOT easy to post this photo! I am so ashamed of the way my hands look and hide them in any situation where they could be seen. I have always had the dream that one day I will grow my nails out, be able to paint them and not hide them in shame for their repulsive appearance 🙈 Maybe if I can learn to overcome and manage my anxiety, I can one day have beautiful elegant hands ❤️