From the beginning of my most recent recovery September 2016... scared, tired, nervous, excited, ambivalent but so ready for change to now... December 2017 basking in the results I've worked so hard to achieve never expecting I would have made such a break through in recovery, confidence and self love. 🙌🏼💕 What does it really feel like to be in early recovery? And what does it feel like to be at a point where you feel free? ... 🤔 well let me tell you that for me they are completely opposite sides of the spectrum.
My early recovery was not sunshine and rainbows. It was hard. I was scared, confused and had no idea what I was doing. I was re learning everything that I knew when it came to food, self worth, normality and my identity. Emotionally and physically I felt pushed to my very limits and that it was not worth all the pain. Although being sick was awful and as much as I hated it there was also comfort and control, it served a purpose and was all I knew for so long. In fact it was seeing others recovery journeys that kept me motivated and convinced me that these helpless feelings do pass and they do, they don't last forever. Fast forward to now after pushing through all the pain, tears, frustration, challenges and re learning how to do so many things in my mind... Recovery is so damn beautiful and I am so thankful I continued with it when it seemed like the biggest load of shit.
So many things that were off limits and were so far out of reach I don't think twice about now. I have freedom and independence and I actually forget about a lot of things that used to torture me because they literally do not plague my mind anymore. Do I still have thoughts and bad days...? Yes there are some thoughts but they are quiet and I have very few bad days. Persistence is key. Honestly on the bad days not doing anything my ED tells me is the only way forward. It's okay for recovery to feel too hard and it's okay to feel vulnerable... just don't give up on it when the going gets tough. The results in the end are so worth the fight. Freedom is so worth it. There is life after a eating disorder and I hope more of you can find it.