The way I am running my account has become unhealthy for me.
My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has competely taken over my joy and passion for this account. And why the hell should I do anything that is not rooted in joy or passion?
Morning analytic checks, have become like pre-recovery days where I would weigh myself every morning. The numbers on both scales determined my worth and my emotions for the day ahead.
I would become obsessed with losing followers, in the same vain that I would if I gained pounds.
I was basing my exquisite worth on the number of people enganging with me on a social media platform.🤯 INSTAGRAM is not real life. I would survive if it got deleted tomorrow. (which @aliceandpeanutbutter mentioned in her most recent post, which really pushed me into this neccesary headspace.)
I also began planning and forcing posts. I have believed in every message I have shared on this account, but so many of my post were coming from hollow and passionless emotions. Nothing was ever posted in the moment of my feellings. Nothing was truly raw or vulnerable, like I endlessly claim to be. I lost my original intents and inspiration. Is this what @brenebrown meant when she talked about vulnerability hangovers?
I don’t think there is ANY shame in loving or highly engaging in social media. I think a lot of the rituals I took on with this account over the past months, started as innocent habits that many influencers probably do to stay organized and focused, but were very dangerous behaviors for my OCD. I want to be proud of the work I create. I want things that take up space in my life to SERVE ME!
I have already done some exposure work, and authenticity checking with myself. Such as deleting my access to checking my analytics, and “messying” up my account.
I don’t exactly know what will happen moving forward. I just want to feel good in this space again.
I made an instastory speaking more in depth on all of this. This is my first time talking about any of this publicly, or to anyone at all.
I am proud of myself tonight.
Y’all are kickass.
I hope I can get back to me again.
#ocd #vulnerability #radicallyvulnerable