When I first became mentally ill, I described it as being dropped in the middle of the ocean. I didn’t know how I got there or why I was there. All I knew for sure, was that I was a long way from home.
At first I spent a lot of time screaming out for help, help that was simply not there. I desperately tried to get my bearings but there was nothing but the vast ocean surrounding me. I was treading water, exhausting myself but energised by pure fear all at the same time. I was desperate. Desperately trying to keep myself alive and not loose myself at the same time. But the second I hit that water I became someone else. A different person all together, a stranger even to myself. I wanted to go home, I wanted to get myself back but I simply had no idea where to start. I didnt know what was going on but I knew something was very wrong. I blamed everyone and everything until I came to the heartbreaking conclusion it was me. I had lost something. Something I would come to learn is the most precious thing a person can have. Their sanity. Mine was gone. It had taken a part of me I long took for granted. A part of me I never thought id ever loose. It is true, you dont know what you had until its gone.
I drowned my sorrows in tequila and numbed the pain with sleeping pills. I needed an escape from a life that seemed so inhumane. It consumed me, took over every fibre in my being. In my soul I was still me but even I didnt feel like me. Others saw me as physically the same person and even though they knew I was different they blamed that on me. Like it was a choice I had made to become this looser, horrible useless person. That hurt the most because… did people really think that little of me? That I would choose to be like this? What benefit could acting like this possibly give me? I dont see any. In fact all it gives me is pain, anger, heartache and total life destruction.
Even in the real world there is always a vast distance between me and other people. I find it very hard to find a connection with other people despite relating to nearly everyone. I am very guarded.
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