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Eating disorders suck. They make your life a living Hell. Today a psychiatrist asked me if I want to recover from my eating disorder.
"I'm not quite sure. I don't know what I would be without it because it's become a part of me and I just can't kill one part of my identity."
I'm inpatient.
Last night I started eating again, which is giving me anxiety due to the uncomfortable feeling of fullness after eating... but I've pushed through the pain.
Today I got transferred to the best psych ward I've ever been on, and I've had an okay day. My blood pressure is much better than yesterday and I don't feel nauseous that much anymore. The exhaustion is still there though, but I'm in hopes that sleeping will help me to get some energy into my body and mind.
With that being said,
I'm going to sleep now.
Goodnight 🌙💖✨

@Regrann from @makedaisychains - This one was a boring self care @glitterygnomie suggested. I think it's really important. We need a balance of activity and rest. Whilst most of my work is usually from a point of view of struggling to do activity, the opposite can be a problem. One of my close friends struggles with this and due to ED cannot 'justify' sitting down or doing something less physically active. So yeah, balancing activity, or pacing, is really important. 🌈
#edfam #edfamiliy #therapy #mentalhealth #mentalillness #drawing #art #illustration #psychosis #ocd #depression #anxiety #gad #eatingdisorder #promarker #art #illustration #chroncillness #spoonie #spoonies #spooniesunite #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqai - #regrann


Reminding myself of this today after a super full on work week, and a sneaking suspicion that my #gravesdisease is out of remission....have been feeling the usual symptoms to the point of needing a sick day today (nausea, fatigue, overheating, tachycardia) and my bloodtest results are increasing for the first time in 9 months. Dammit! Regram from @littlearthlings

Little schizophrenia/schizospec/psychosis things. Like those weird shapes that come in different colours and you HAVE to watch them float through one side of the room to the other then disappear
- weird squiggly black lines that dance around in front of you and usually make everything around you blurry except for that black thing
- people’s voices echoing but the echo is very deep and demonic sounding so you can barely understand what people are saying
- not showering for so long because you thought you showered an hour ago but in reality you haven’t showered at all
- not eating for days on end because the food is obviously poisoned or you have ugly gustatory hallucinations from eating so food is not good
- your vision going completely blurry and black for a while and you literally cannot see properly enough to function so you’re like woah
– watching a horror movie or a movie with a monster so obviously that movie was a secret message that the person/monster is out to get you - there’s ALWAYS someone or something going after you
- wanting to please the thing that’s after you so you don’t get hurt so you listen to the voices and do whatever they tell you because they know what will please your persecutor
- making yourself bleed because that proves you’re a real person
- making yourself bleed but this time you don’t know how, when, or why - all of a sudden feeling like your body is floating in soft clouds or like you’re in a very warm bath and you can feel yourself losing any and all control of yourself
- saying things out loud that were meant to be in your head
- you’re a psychic because you’re right about things in the future 38% of the time
- pretending to be speaking on the phone with someone when in reality you’re just talking to yourself/the voices
- not caring enough to distinguish what’s a hallucination or not because it’s too much work
- people thinking you’re acting drunk after an anxiety or panic attack/very bad seizure-like psychotic episode but in reality it’s just really bad psychosis - saying something and people laughing but you have no idea what you said that was funny
out of characters so (: #schizophrenia #mentalhealthawareness #psychosis

11pm, getting kinda tired.
Head to bed, just as desired.
"Did you check the door?"
asks voice number 4.
"3 times," I respond,
"all my worries about it are gone."
Then pipes up voice number 3:
"Can you check one more time for me?"
"It's time for bed,"
I say to the words in my head,
"All of you just be quiet."
"What time is it?"
That would be voice number one.
"You should stay up and have some fun."
So I listen and give in,
and spend 3 hours playing Sims.
"Look what you did!"
It's Angry Man blowing his lid.
"Now you've missed your meds
and you'll never get to bed."
I know he's right but I want to ignore,
I know he's just a voice and nothing more.
All of them are, all 5 to be exact.
Like pests or an illness I constantly contract,
they all have a personality
and only a few speak politely.
Little Girl's a sweet little thing,
just about 6 years old and always dreaming.
She's scared of Angry Man,
a mean brute with a happiness ban.
He tells me my failures daily and hourly,
and constantly makes me feel poorly.
Hungry Woman scolds me for eating,
reminds me of my weight while feeding.
She tells me to starve myself,
she wants me to forget about my health.
Gypsy couldn't be more opposite.
She's never sad, not even a bit.
She's always happy, always cheerful,
always excited, never fearful.
She encourages me in the best ways,
but sadly disappears on my worst days.
Then there's the one that scares me.
From him I'd give anything for the chance to be free.
He's called The Screamer, pertaining
to reasons that don't need explaining.
When I'm just a little bit frustrated
he comes out fuming in rage and hatred.
All I hear is screaming and shouting,
which causes my thoughts to get cloudy.
I get angry too, and I sound like him.
All over something stupid, I boil over the brim.
These voices keep me up at night,
they make sleeping no more than a plight.
It's 4am and I'm laying awake in the dark,
listening to the fan and the voices' remarks.
They bully me all night,
they'll bully me all day and start a fight.
Some tell me they're demons in my head,
I say it's just Psychosis and can be treated with meds.
While some pastors have obsessed,
I'd just rather not think I'm possessed.

'Mental health is insidious, and warps your thinking. When you're struggling to be alive and functional in the world, being perceived by others as a "burden" is often a big fear.' 🌿 Mental illness is so clearly on the rise globally, we can't ignore it and expect people to just deal with it. In the exact same way we wouldn't expect someone with cancer to just deal with it. Team work makes the dream work, let's be present and kind and supportive to ALL people, especially those who's minds aren't playing fair. 〰 The Empathy Movement 〰 birthing soon. 🌿 #empathymovement #empathy #mentalillness #mentalhealth #support #burden #kindness #support #love #teamworkmakesthedreamwork #gratitude #healthcare #ptsd #chronicillness #depression #anxiety #postpartum #postnataldepression #psychosis #bipolar #schizophrenia #healing #occupationaltherapy #psychology #counseling #humanity (📷: @emilymcdowell_)

I'm trying my best to actually believe this. It's so hard because ED gives me the illusion of being in control of my behavior and it uses food as the way to keep the control over something I actually can't control. I can't control my ED as it gets worse but it still feels like I'm the one in charge even if I'm not.
It's my eating disorder who's in charge, not me...
but I feel like it's still all in my hands nevertheless.
My ED lies to me and it's very stupid of me to actually believe Her. She's just so strong and knows what's the best for me. She knows how to comfort me when my paranoid monsters are in my apartment trying to kill me. She knows how to make me feel better when there's no-one else to cheer me up. She's the only one who never ever leaves me, and it's so hard to let go of someone who's been sticking with me for so long.
But underneath my Eating Disorder's Voice there's me;
the Inner Me
who wants to kill the dark side of me.
She wants me to get herself some help and be well. She wants me to eat and take care of me. And she's the one who was in charge when I came into this hospital 2 days ago. She walked to the ER and begged for help. She's the one who started eating again, and she's the one who's currently laughing at her competitor with a plate of food in front of her and a fork in her hand...
... saying:
"Fuck you, dear ED."

"You feel sentimental when you flip through the recollections you have of the days when you strayed deep into your suffering. It is always easier to sink back into your disorder than carry on down the path to full recovery. You rethink the unique, uncertain relationship you have with your illness. You reminisce the days you were drowning so deep you could not imagine another life. You're in two minds. You begin to wonder if it is even worth it to strive to be healthy when you are unshaken in your belief that you will never stop fighting. You feel an odd longing for those sick, sick days.

Your illness entices you with false feelings tied to nightmarish memories." wrote a blog post. check it out
i relapsed last night. i forced myself to take extra pills. i am fine. but there is still a lingering sadness
#mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthawareness #psychosis #schizophrenia #depression #blog #blogger #bloggers #blogspot

Common hallucinations plus a completed writing about the Yellow Dots #schizoaffective #psychology #psychosis #psychotic #schizo #schizophrenia #schizophrenic

The Man in the Pig Mask, who is he and what's his deal?
He's an extremely common hallucination for me. For a while, my illness did make me think I was being stalked by a man in a pig mask that no one else could see, but that phase didn't last long and I know better now. I'm posting about him specifically because he's had the most influence over me for any current hallucination. He is often carrying a weapon, and that does scare me. I actually took this picture off the internet and edited it a bit but this is what he looks like for the most part. He has a pig mask for a head and his body wears a clean suit.
The things he has told me are startling, to say the least. When he speaks to me, I don't hear auditory hallucinations but instead, his voice is inside my head so nothing I do and nowhere I go will stop his talking. He likes to tell me that my friends and I aren't real, and that he is the only thing that's real. He tells me that he is God. He tells me to wake up from this coma. He will tell me anything to make me dissociate from reality.
He has explained to me a few times how he got his mask. The story he tells is simple. First, he beheaded a pig, then he skinned the head, then he cut up his face with the same knife. He once took off his mask to show me his scars and it was horrendous.
The Man in the Pig Mask still does cause me some fear, but I know that he is not real and that I should not listen to him. #psychology #psychosis #psychotic #schizo #schizophrenia #schizophrenic #schizoaffective


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joshuawilmoth.weebly.com (a hub site that links you to all of the following links, my fiction and my poetry.) Another excerpt from Volume III: Ego Mania

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