31,536,000 seconds 525,600 minutes 8,760 hours 365 days 52 weeks 12 months 1 year.
On Feb 7, 2017 the build up of constant let downs, massive heartbreaks, 6 diagnoses, 4 people walking out of my life, knowing I was losing my hair, seizures, & much more were too much to cope with. I’d done all I knew to do but thoughts of suicide & self-harm were all I saw. After 3more low blows within 1hour the spinning began & boom PANIC ATTACK! Being home alone I went to my bathroom, took out my bag of pills & favorite lighter. The choice was kill or burn. It didn’t take long before I was staring at my foot that was on fire. The pain was Freedom. It stopped the voices. As the smell of burning flesh was washing over me I took a deep breath & calmly put out the flame. I slowly cleaned/bandaged my foot & went on with my day. The aftermath of consequence was more awful than I ever imagined. I sacrificed myself to not loose someone else. I didn’t go to the hospital out of fear of more judgement. I stayed quiet & let an even larger piece of my soul die. I knew I needed help. That I couldn’t ever get that low again. I started intense therapy. Joined FB Groups & battled each second. Sometimes I got close to relapse. Too close! But I would look down at my scars from that day & tell myself “I will not harm today!” With each new morning I would proclaim/promise myself those words before opening my eyes. Now today I sit here shocked I’ve made it to 1 year. Recovery is a process. Just like with any other coping mechanism (drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, sex, etc) I had to give up my “best friend”... throwing away my lighter at 3 months gutted me but I looked ahead. I’m not saying I’m cured or anything like that. This is a life long process that I’m committed to. People see me & think life is perfect but I have real scars to prove life is nothing more than a battle we each face head on while using our own coping strategies. I hope that this next year I can help others the way I’ve been helped. Hope is real! #spoonie #warrior #wonderwoman #autoimmunedisease #chronicillness #chronicpain #raredisease #psoriaticarthritis #psoriaticcolitis #seizures #selfharm #ptsd #treatment #recovery