How do I put this to words, without sounding disappointed? How does one express anxiety and elation at the same time? I am not sure why I'm feeling so anxious about celebrating this. [I think] we just conquered our 5 month battle with Chylothorax. [I think] our prayers have been answered. [I think] I am numb to celebration.
I feel dissatisfied.
My insides are are all knotted up as I anticipate this turning around on us, yet again. I am saddened that I can't be happy with good news, because I worry the news may not stay good for long.
These last months have put my spirit through the wringer. And by months I mean 16 months of this, not letting up. Lifted up and pushed down again and again. Hope filled, hope shattered, hope restored; again and again.
But, I do celebrate. I celebrate HER. I celebrate US. I celebrate YOU. We made it! Through this valley at least, and yes, I am sure, there is another one on the horizon. I am sure this season is not done with us yet. I am sure we will all come out the other side, again and again we emerge. I celebrate the rawness of my being, the authenticity of this experience, the strength that continues to rise within. I celebrate the small things, the non medical things, the truly special moments witnessed each day. Yes, there is much to celebrate. And, if you like, you can now celebrate this fluid being a thing of the past.
I'll be over here holding my breath about it.