I'm pregnant again. It's a baby girl and her name is Ramona.
We are excited and happy, and nervous.
It gives me some anxiety to share this, but also to keep it to myself, mainly because I'm not ready to be bombarded. We want to share this information so that you can celebrate with us, and also so I can warn you. We are so happy and grateful for this baby, but she isn't a do-over, Ansel is deeply ingrained in our hearts and always in our minds, and we both knew that we shouldn't waste time in having another baby and Ansel would have always had siblings, and now he has a sister. She is healthy and this information has brought great relief to us. With that said, even if they'd told us she had a CHD or some other challenge we still would have been just as happy. Learning that Ansel had HLHS was scary, and as we talked to the doctors and learned what could be done for him the situation didn't become less intimidating or overwhelming, but we were wrapping our heads around it. So when they told us that his heart condition had worsened and there was little to no chance that he would survive intervention, I wished with all my heart that we still had all the intimidating and overwhelming options, I would have taken it all if it mean he could live, but that wasn't an option anymore.
So, even now if they told us Ramona has some challenge to overcome I know that we could take it in stride.
I also want to share that while this has been an exciting and happy time it's also been triggering for a lot of hard memories and feelings about Ansel. They're complicated, but they don't take away from our love and gratitude for this sweet baby girl. Maybe because the pregnancies have been so close together it's been more difficult to separate in my mind, maybe it would have been this way even if we'd waited, and maybe being pregnant will always make me miss Ansel, but I'm ok with that.
We're so happy and grateful and we wanted to share that, but please don't assume that all is well and our Ansel sorrow has been replaced with Ramona happiness, our sorrow is still there, but just that much more happiness has been added to it. So please be gentle.