Today’s post will probably be another lengthy one. As Tucker turns on tomorrow, so this count down is coming to an end.
I walked in to Partial Hospitalization and seriously questioned why I was even there. Was I really that bad? I wasn’t crazy, was I? I was a basket of nerves and wasn’t sure what the day or next weeks would hold. The first day I cried. I cried because I was away from my babies. I cried because I had to open up and relive my past few days, months. I cried because I felt like crying. As the days progressed to weeks, that treatment facility became home to me. It was my safe place and I knew I would be well taken care of there. As weekends approached and I knew I would be away for two days, I would panic. Terrified of how I would do at home all day. I saw a psychiatrist 3 days a week. The medication I was on wasn’t it for me. I was zombie like, I felt as if the room was swimming right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t really focus and it was terrifying. Ultimately it was increasing my anxiety because of all the physical sensations. We made the decision to put me back on my old medication. Things slowly began to turn around again. I was no where near “normal”, but I was functioning. Things seemed to be turning around until I realized a lot of my thoughts had become pretty terrifying and obsessive. I couldn’t sleep at night for role playing through my mind of what would happen if I checked on my kids and they weren’t breathing. I would lie awake constantly thinking about it, but being terrified to check. Many times I would wake my husband and have him check the kids because I couldn’t get over my fear to do it alone and the thoughts wouldn’t stop. I would also obsess over someone breaking in our home and what the safety plan would be. I would sit and repeat the numbers to our gun safe in my head over and over again. I was again embarrassed and feeling ashamed. I felt ridiculous telling the doctor about these thoughts, he however didn’t seem phased. He increase my dosage and we went on as normal. Except, it wasn’t normal. With the new increase in the medication, I began having suicidal thoughts that would come randomly in to my mind. Con’t in comments