I think it's time for me to tell the truth. Last year 👉🏼 last week 👉🏼 this week. Clearly there's a difference between 2016 and 2017, but it's the change (or lack of one) between last week and this week that is really the focus here. ---
I haven't done well at all this holiday. It was supposed to be my last family holiday, a lovely break before I start uni again. But anorexia has ruined everything. My exercise and activity levels have doubled, my intake has dropped to below 1800kcal every single day, and I've forced myself to workout every day for the past 2 weeks. All because I'm not strong enough to stand up to the thoughts in my head. So many special moments have been ruined by these thoughts and I'm really saddened by it. ---
Yesterday my dad said that I'm looking great, and that I eat enough now to sustain my activity levels. My mum said that she thinks I look better in "this week's" photo than "last week's". How can this be happening? How can I look better when I'm severely restricting my intake and doing an unsustainable amount of exercise? I don't know how to go about correcting any of this. I've really gone too far this time. I know enough to realise that what I'm doing is exceptionally anorexia-driven, but I don't know what to do about it. I've been restricting for so long now that going right back to my usual intake would be too much for both my body and my mind to handle. ---
Before people say it, I can't get help because I don't qualify for it. I want to do it myself but I feel like I've gone so far backwards. I've really let myself and my parents down this trip. I'm no inspiration at all, so this is my apology for appearing to have my life together, because in reality I really don't. I still panic at even the suggestion of food that I hadn't planned, my heart races when my dad stops outside of a bakery, and my mind doesn't stop overthinking and overanalysing every little thing. ---
I did try to right things, when I admitted I wasn't getting my intake in, but it just didn't work. So again, I'm sorry for letting you all down and coming across as being someone that I'm not.