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Life is a beautiful lie and death is a painful truth#poetrycommunity #poetryofinstagram #poetryislife #poetry_addict

(Part 3/4)
"All of this made me love you Amaya,more and more each day "
"Stop loving me then"I said cold heartedly.
"What about our forever?" He uttered with a broken,hardly audible voice.
I didnt know how to answer that,so I just stared at the night sky with sudden shooting stars,as if the stars knew the answer,as if the stars held our forever.
"Forever,alas,could not be ours"I think I faintly whispered under my breath.
I saw him gulping down the leftover alcohol from his bottle in one go until his hands lost the grip,down came the splashing glass and for a moment,just for a mili moment I saw myself in those broken pieces.
I didn't realize that his feet were bleeding until I saw blood kissing the sand,later did I realise that mine were too.
"Letting go hurts too"he mumbled slowly as if in a spell,dashing me straight into his chest as he pulled me closer with fire,passion,obsession and something so dark in his innocent eyes and it took everything in me to not melt down then and there,to stop myself from saying that we can handle a bit more pain together,to say that I was not letting go and oh how I wished this was not the end.
"Is this a goodbye?" His lips breathed against the crook of my neck.
"We have never been fortunate enough to deserve goodbyes in our fate,my love,our farewell will always be wrapped in stormy silences"
He buried my face in his arms,I'll swear my life on how I wanted to be there forever but I reminded myself that I had to let go.
"I have something to let go off too"he said brushing his tender fingers roughly over my cheeks.
"What"I meekly mumbled while he kept brushing his touch over the inside of my soul and I closed my eyes savoring the last touch of life until a moment later,a universe embraced my lips when his lips attacked mine,he tasted of dead galaxies; like the roses of my grave,yet it was amusing how he tasted like life.
"This" he said pulling away,the moment oxygen left our lungs and we forgot how to breath.
//an excerpt from a book I'll never write//

#Ainitsuite no uta #Poetry_Addict
Two hands held tightly
Unconsciously welded together
Two lives now one
I am proud to walk with you
Overjoyed to share this world with you
My delight is abundant
My love sublime.

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#candle #poem #poetry #poetrycommunity #poetry_addict

Mi voz, subterfugio de los verbos, del hacedor día, de la calma visoria, o de la irrisoria realidad.
Mi voz, plúmbeo grito, quejicosa tonalidad.

"Shaam bhi thi dhuan-dhuan,
husn bhi tha udas-udas,
Dil ko kayi kahaniyan yaad si aake reh gayi."
~ Firaq Gorakhpuri

"För pjäserna i livets spel
som krigar om vem som har fel
där spelar färgen ingen roll
dör vit i dur
dör svart i moll."
#offentligkonst #angered #blåstället


Part 2/2
I self harmed when I was 5 and saw you dead;for I shook you and waited for you to wake up ..but you never did. For you told me in your last breathe a goodbye,I shouted on top of my lungs and told you I was never ever letting go and all I got was a hug and kiss until you died in my arms.
So i self harmed di;when I was 5 because I wanted to go with you too. You left me behind all your toys,the trophies you got from school,a broken family and forever of memories.
Every school teacher asked me if I was your sister and told me how you were the most beautiful and innocent soul they ever knew and oh how they were sorry for me.
I hated it. I hated sympathy;I still do. Not much has changed, family is still broken,I'm sorry nothing ever got back to the way it was;I could never fill up that void;no one can.
Mom dad had your albums hidden from me;they told me not to mention about you,you were past they said but I saw their heart melt at the mention of your name and I heard them crying every night too.
I wish you were here for I have been alone since then.I wish you were here,for I have no one to protect me or to team up with me when mom dad scold,I have no one to smile at me and take the crying lil me in loving arms without telling me to get over it and that I am such a cry baby;without judging and just letting me cry and cry and cry and rather whispering in my ear about how brave I am.
There has never been anyone there to share my chocolates with;I never had any best friend after you.
I wonder how different it would have been if you were here,I would have never been depressed for you would have taken it all away with crazy pillow fights,I would have never wanted death for you would have taught me life again,for you would have taught me to smile and love again and now.. now there is darkness and walls and mom dad fighting for divorce in the next room and now I am holding myself together with just the memories of you;because Di,lately breathing has been just too hard and merely existing has been too much for a fragile soul like mine;for lately it all has been crashing down and I wonder how it would have felt to read this out to you,(1st comment)

I lost writing too,I'm sorry;it's been a long while since I have bled art and here my hands are trembling with pain;just pain and it doesn't seem a percent poetic today.
And so here I am seeking an escape and today i find it more convenient to tell this and bleed infront of a hundred strangers because it's been a long time since i found solace in any known.
Mum told me how you were so excited when I was in her tummy,how you jumped around the entire house and even though mum didn't want another girl;oh you were there with heart on sleeves;welcoming a lil baby sister in your life. Was I even worth it ?
And they tell me about the time you decorated the house with balloons and banners and ran to the door even before they rang the bell and took me in your arms and you smiled and cried and kissed me on the forehead as if I was the most precious thing you ever held.You bought me that pink Cinderella frock on my first birthday and you ate the biggest piece of cake even though you weren't allowed to and you danced till every fragement of oxygen jumped to escape from your lungs,for you were happy to have me in your arms and home and life,was I even worth it?
I was 3 when you were diagnosed with that deadly kidney failure,you were 8.
So I came home running from my kindergarten to find you on that hospital bed with beeping machines around you and you;the lil you too numb to even move,you tried smiling at me and I saw you flinching as you curved your lips. I didn't know how to feel then so I just did what I was best at,I screamed and started crying,until mom left your side and lifted me up to hug me.There was a hollowness in your eyes,body numbed by pain but oh you were still smiling at me.
You always complaint that mom dad loved me more,like I stole them away from you but not once did your eyes ever met mine with hate;they always had love,more love than I ever deserved & so you shared your favourite barbies & teddies and oh life and home and mom dad too with me...was I even worth it ?
And there was a time when that bad boy who bullied you kicked you hard in your stomach,right beside your kidney & I,I was too numbed to react & so I hid behind my teddy bear (1st comment)

Poet to Bigot

Part 2/2.
Will you still let your slutty daughter in and make that tea with extra ginger for me ? And put on that calming music of 90's that we both love and fight over the tv's remote;would you kiss me again and hug me and bring me home,would you heal those wounds,the ones that aren't even visible,would you let me use your arm as a pillow again and take me to those temples and then to those movies and parties too ?It's hard to breath papa,would you massage that balm on my forehead again?
I lost my virginity last night papa,he called me a slut and a part of me still wants to think I loved him.
Does thar make me less loveable papa?
I am a slut papa,atleast i feel like one &i don't know how to look into your eyes ever again.
But give me that white shirt of yours,the one i love wearing to bed with those baggy cartoon shorts,make my bed with pink blanket & big teddy bear,sing me to sleep and tell me that I'll wake up to the next morning even though i don't want to.Save me and heal me and strengthen my faith in humanity again but papa don't ever lock me up or scream or shout,Please remember that I am still that lil girl fighting for those unhealthy extra chocolates with you even thou i had known they harm.
Papa,guide me home & this time never let go for I want to believe in love again.
Papa but there will always be this one guy whose name would still tremble up every goosebump,whose shadow would even make me fear the colour of sky,whose presence would make me forget how to breath,who would make me stumble and tear and break and die again.
Papa,hold me please,hold me for the world suddenly feels too big and his eyes feel like the end of me;so hold me;hold me and never let go. For those eyes scare me dad and they still call me that slut,for the smoke of that ciggeratte and smell of that liquor is still caged inside my lungs rather than a fistful of pure oxygen and it has been so toxic lately.
Hold me papa; don't tell ma,hold me and hide me in,hold me papa and please don't get scared after finding me bleeding on that bathroom floor next morning,please don't flinch after seeing my damage,hold me papa because the pain is wiggling hard to set me free(1st comment)

There's this guy;with hazel dark eyes. Somedays they become darker than usual,so dark that my soul trembles. Is that what loving feels like?
Papa,I fledged from home last evening after you took your medicine with luke warm water and slept.
I was wearing those ripped shorts and that black crop top you finally bought me after an hour of nagging. I wish I wasn't.
He had this sports car I had always fascinated about. I wish I didnt .
He kissed me papa,he kissed me by that wall,the tender me being trapped between his hands,he kissed me hard and I gave in,until our tounges rolled over and he brutally bite my lip. I was crying and bleeding but oh he was kissing me,gripping my hair so tight between his fingers,Papa,I thought loving was supposed to be an escape but oh I felt trapped and it did not honestly feel like love at all . It was so dark,so dark that my soul was hurting,his lips are still marked on my collarbone and at the spaces between my thighs.
Papa,there's this guy,this guy with weird tattoos and piercings that you think are wild.
Papa,he took my virginity last night,I bled on the backseat of his car.
My vagina doesn't feel like mine anymore,he thrusted his claws inside my skin which you had never let get scarred by even a scratch of nail ever.
It was no fairytale papa,he fucked me last night,there never was any love.
He treated me like a whore, is that what you will think of me too ?
I am sorry papa,I loved a guy, I felt like a slut,the night I would hide my cellphone under the blanket to talk to him all night,for all those hours i spent learning to put that one winged eyeliner straight and I would comb my hair to set them free the way he liked and oh I would put on that red lipstic I hated and that dress which felt too naked but i just loved him papa and maybe it wasn't love at all,maybe those words and promises and calls meant nothing but i swear i loved this guy papa and he became the end of me.
And now,now I fear men,i am afraid of those eyes lingering on my body as if they can see me naked, kissing him on that lover's point ..I loved him papa and i have never felt more terrible and pathetic about myself before, never.
Part 1/2.

How long have you been keeping all that in ?
Oh baby love;how long have you been fighting from within
Plastering that fake smile on face
You died alone a million days
When was the last time your walls weren't too high
When someone attempted to climb
Oh honey,when did crying become a crime ?

Is loving a sin too ?
Oh baby love;look at the mirror
Do you even know who are you?
Beyond these thousand layers of pain
There are galaxies yet untamed
Beyond this world that doesn't let you feel
Beyond the corners where you sink and kneel
beyond the nothings
Beyond everything
Darling,there is this lil unscarred innocent you
When was the last time i told you?
I should have
I am sorry
Let me tell you how your scars are your greatest glory!

Your naked tender soul shimmers and shines
Oh darling;it still travels a million miles
That soul is the strongest i have ever met
Yet the softest i have ever felt
And that baby love;makes you strong
Your emotions honey,were never wrong
The world was,the world is
Go ahead and kiss
The darkness;sadness and pain
Nobody this time will be there to tame
The screams and silences of your soul
You are allowed to flaunt that big black mole
Outshining on your spine
These freckles darling are divine
They are stardust from heavens above
Your brokeness has always deserved love

Shh.. I'll set you free
And you can be anything you want to be
The world won't be your barrier
Nights honey,would no longer be scarier
You are allowed to feel the pain and all those fucked up feelings
You are allowed to stare at the colour of that rugged ceiling
You are allowed to cry
Or to find escape in the night sky
You are allowed to hold
Or to set your demons free
Go darling and have that tea
In the famous cheap coffee house
Go away and fledge from this boring town
You;baby are allowed to fall down
Part 2/3
//If you feel too much//

What is the colour of your room's ceiling
Blue like his eyes
Or grey like the sky
Or black like your soul
When was the last time darling
When you felt complete and whole ?

How many stars are in the sky ?
How many nights were you too numb to even cry ?
How many tiles are aligned on your bathroom floor
How many times were you too weak to even  crawl
Oh Baby,how worthy has been this fall ?

What is life ?
Where is that smile
Oh darling,you have covered a million miles
Miles and miles into the dark
Eyes have shed down the spark
Oh baby,you can't escape
When was the last time you felt solace ?
When was the last time you felt alive
Is this journey even worth of another mile?

When was the last time
When time didn't matter to you
And now darling it is slipping through
The spaces of your scarred fingers
When was the last time you had someone to hold onto ?

When was the last time darling
When you were in your never land ?
When was the last time you were in love
Did you ever even fall out of it ?
Tell me darling the stories of the nights
Where you still crumble and die in bits

When was the last time you broke this silence
Did it hurt ?
Does it still ?
Oh baby love,
Insomnia isn't killed by sleeping pills
When was the last time you stared at the night sky
And wanted to be one of those stars ?
Oh i wish i could tell you enough
Of how beautiful are your scars!

When was the last time you felt pretty
wrapped around in a pair of loving arms
Your cheeks had colour and eyes had shine
When he whispered in your ear "Mine"...
When was the last time you belonged to your own self
How long has it been since you have stopped preaching for help?

When was the last time the moon sang you lullaby
And you felt asleep covered in that sheet of starry sky
Do you still want to die ?
Have you ever really wanted to live ?
When was the last time your dark universe kissed ?
The world of lights and hope
The last time when you were taunted and mocked ?
Ripped apart and killed with a million knives
Oh honey;they disowned you from your own life! .
Part 1/3
//If you feel too much//

She is there miles and miles away from you,yet you are there on the phone's receiver hearing to the music of her wounded breathing.
It's been an hour now since she is silent.She isn't speaking,maybe she has forgotten to or maybe now the jingle of her own vocal cords scares her .
How long can you listen to her silences ?
Honey,here's this thing about loving people with sad souls,sometimes it all gets a little too hard on your fragile soul to bear a pain too inhuman.
Sometimes you are gonna scream on them and will get tired of their sadness,somedays honey you'll heal them and the otherdays oh you'll give them wounds way deeper than your eyes would ever see.
Here's this thing about loving the hurt souls,oh darling you end up breaking them further by caging them in the strings named love which are just suffocating the leftover fragments of oxygen in the lungs.
Oh baby love,they'll zone out a million times,somedays your love won't be enough to melt down the hard layers of pain and sadness,it might take a forever to heal them,but oh if you love a sad soul,hold on darling for just a bit longer than a million forevers.
Here's this thing about sad souls . Sometimes they'll forget how to feel,sometimes they'll be too numb to even lift up the weight of their eyelashes;sometimes they wont be able to get their legs up after sitting for hours in that corner curling in a ball,sometimes they won't be able to get out of the bed for they'll be too tired even after hours and hours of sleep. I know it all gets a little too hard sometimes but darling,let them crawl under that blanket escaping from the world,sometimes let them smile with the idea of falling in love again,just sometimes baby love sit down and hear to their silent ranting and you'll realise how beautiful brokeness can be and how hopeful healing would appear when you'll see her waking up to a new day,even though she wished last night to never wake up again.
Here's this thing about sad souls ,here's this thing about her soul,it's dark honey and you have feared darkness since childhood but baby love it is her home. It will get a little too haunting somedays, (continued in 1st comment )

We had the world Hannah,a world where we could have been healed,a world where no one would have ever hurt your beautiful soul;a world where you would chuckle with me,counting the stars;dancing in neon lights,making carmel popcorns or leaving their taste in my mouth.

We had each other Hannah,we always will.But here I am,next to your grave,talking to your dead silences and listening to your dead voice.

Nobody can take away you from me,nobody can take away us from me;not now,not ever! I am here listening to your dead voice,the world is silent;you are there resting beneath the earth I am sitting on;your grave could grow flowers,your smile could; you could.....,we could.

I hope you are healing Hannah,I hope you are there somewhere near it,wherever you are,I hope you chuckle through the heavens;I hope you respond to me when i stare at the stars and the sky,I hope... you come back and hug me for once;kiss me back with a passion this world has never seen,i hope we stay together,i hope we kiss together under disastrous storms,I am not letting you go Hannah,not now,not ever.
I'll protect you,I'll protect us,if only I had us.

I wish on each star every night for the world to take me back to you;back to the very start and I'll find you there waiting for me with those carmel popcorns,and oh you'll throw them all on my face and then would chuckle through the popcorn fight. "Clay......Helmet" your voice would jingle and the world,  darling would pause forever. " I love you Hannah" I'll say it out this time and then,then we would kiss again under neon lights and dark greys and oh under those rainbow colours of healing too,no one would be hurting,darling there would be no pain.

I'll forever be your Helmet and you'll always be my Hannah.. and this time.. honey,no death would ever be powerful enough to part us away;.. not now,not ever! .

Helmet .

Part 4/4

Remember those blue lights Hannah,those blue neon lights.They were travelling up and down your body touching the corners of your soul i could never reach near to. You were right infront of me,sitting there staring into my eyes,I kept gazing into yours too,your lips smiled and you waved to me,step by step,breath by breath,you were coming close to me,we were coming close to each other and then suddenly I bowed down crackling on my left knee,stretching out a hand for you,the way they do it in the novels and movies you love;you chuckled again,your eyes felt alive;you slowly slipped your hand into mine,that beautiful flowerband was covering your honey wrist not some bloody cuts and scars. We were there with hands intertwined,my hands on your waist,yours on my back,more closer,we were dancing to the rhythm of each other's breath.I had you there alive in my arms,so so close to me.I felt your breath,I heard your heartbeat and saw something so painful in your innocent-innocent  eyes and before i could figure out anything,you were gone.

But then there are still these blue neon lights dancing up and down on your body,i still have you in my arms,you are chuckling and breathing shivers down my ear but then you are chuckling,we are alive Hannah;we'll always be alive inspite of a zillion deaths,we'll be alive dancing in neon lights,no one in the world can take away that dance from us.. not now,not ever. .

Part 2/4


Barangkali serupa harapan yang memudar, seperti nyala lilin yang meredup ketika ujung sumbu tak tersisa lagi.
bukankah setiap orang memiliki cara sendiri untuk mengatur gerak perasaannya?
#candle #poem #poetry #poetrycommunity #poetry_addict

Dear Hannah,

It's been hours since I am under this shower,the blood oozing out from my forehead is dripping down,merging with that water,it is marking my body,like a map,a map that leads to nowhere.My soul is swimming and diving into these blood droplets but there are these stones tied to my legs and I am drowning,I am dying,I cant breath and it's only you who could save me but then I see you there lying in that bloody bathtub and I think it would take me a million lifetimes to get back to feel anything at all other than death,death and death.

Remember Hannah,once upon a time,when we both felt alive;Do you remember those nights?

We were wrapped in the essence of those carmel popcorns when I asked you to accompany me to the rooftop.It was a dark midnight but all I remember is how your eyes smiled,lips curved and you did a slight firm nod and then; then i held your hands,my fingers wrapping firmly around your tender unfrozen pulse and unscarred veins,around your tender wrist,I held you,as if holding onto my last piece of life. You intertwined your fingers with mine;I still feel that touch,as if these cracks and crevices in me would be complete by fitting your touch right there in those dark corners of my soul,step by step, breath by breath;you gripped me harder,we sat warmly on that cold terrace;under the gaze of those million stars;none of them as beautiful as you,your eyes had a weird shine while watching those stars,as if you knew that you belonged with them,as if you were some precious celestial life caged up in a pained human body,but then you were chuckling, chuckling through the cold leaving those puffs of fog out of your crumbled lips,your nose was red from the cold and your  white gentle skin was glowing as the moonlight drew patterns on your skin.You stumbled a bit but I had you gripped in my arms,I was not letting go Hannah,not then,not ever &you;you held me too chuckling the most beautiful rhythm in the world. "Woah easy there Hannah,what if we would have fallen down" "Then.." you said while grinning "we would have died"

There was this pain in your laughter when the word "death" left from your innocent lips but then your eyes were soft,(comment)

Pagi yang selalu berbisik manja dengan sebuah nama. Memberi kesejukan pada embun yang tengah lekat pada rindu dedaunan. Tak ada angin pemisah yang bertiup. Langit pun secerah harapan atas sebuah cinta.

Sepucuk bunga yang merekah nan indah, membuai hati yang tengah berdoa. Harapan-harapan lembut lepas damai. Teriringi doa malaikat-malaikat Allah yang tengah berbagi rezeki pagi ini.
Pagi semesta...langit ba'da subuh tadi 😊😊😊 @motretbareng
#sunrise #pagitadi #ramadhanke2 #semestabertasbih #poetrycommunity #poetry_addict #jalanjalanpagi #dolordarjo #sidoarjobanget #sidoarjo #exploresidoarjo #xperia #kamerahpgw_surabaya #urangagung

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