I never wanted to be a bride twice. I never dreamt of two white dresses or two bouquets. I never expected the word divorce or even hearing the words “will you marry me?” again in my life. I had a plan and that was to get married once and to stay married but the most beautiful things in life don’t go according to our plans. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
There once was a time that I had wished June 28th never existed. Forgive me if that’s your birthday or the day your child was born but for me eight years of this day reminded me of a broken promise and a broken heart. For eight years this date would stroll on into my life like an unwanted visitor reminding me of my 21 year old self who thought carrying sunflowers in her David’s Bridal dress was the solution to happiness. The 28th of June used to make me feel anxious & full of shame. Even though I knew in my heart that the way my story was being written was for the better, I still mourned for what once was.
Until June 28, 2016. I decided to pee on a stick that day. Three months after miscarrying #ourangelskye , I was equal parts hopeful and skeptical that we would see a positive sign but I sat and waited for it on that cold bathroom floor...the same one I labored on with Skye...waiting. There it was. Two faint lines delivering a promise to a desperate prayer and a life growing inside of me (albeit it was a poppy seed that day) redeeming this one day of the year.
June 28th isn’t a day of remembering heartbreak anymore, it’s a day of remembering Gods goodness. It’s a day that reminds me that redemption is in the details. I could have peed on that stick June 27th or June 29th but He wanted me to know on June 28th that He saw me. He saw me June 28, 2008 & June 28, 2016 and all the June 28ths in between. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
What was supposed to be a perfect summer day for a wedding ended up being the most beautiful day to find out about our darling baby girl. A life I created with my second husband, my beloved...the one I never thought I would have and the one I can’t imagine my life without. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
June 28th is now one of my favorite days out of all 365 of them.

Right before we moved to Uganda in 2015, my sweet friend @poppyjackshop blessed us with a print that read “Beautiful girl, you can do hard things.” We were just days away from uprooting our life and settling into a new one. We were going from just the two of us to becoming a family of three. We were going from staying up all night Netflix binging & sleeping in to waking up early to get our daughter ready for school.
We pulled up to our new home, unpacked every single bag within 3 hours...warp speed nesting in full effect. Our daughter was coming home tomorrow and everything had to be perfect for our sweet four year old. This print was taped to her wall...a reminder that I wanted her to carry with her everywhere she went.
Ever since taping that print to the wall, I felt like it was not only for 👧🏿 but for me as well. I remember tucking in my daughter while miscarrying #ourangelskye and glancing at it as if I was looking in the comforting eyes of God. It caught my eye when I said goodbye to 👧🏿 for the first trip to the states we would make while she stayed behind with friends...and the second...and the third...and the fourth. It caught my eye when my heart was so broken I couldn’t understand how tomorrow would even come. It caught my eye while I grieved the loss of Skye all while growing new life in my womb. It caught me in so many different seasons right when I needed the reminder the most, I not only can do hard things...I WILL do the hard things.
And here we go...today was a hard thing that was almost too much to think about I contemplated not even letting it be a possibility. But you know what?! I did it! And I’m about to board a plane for 20 hours of travel and I’m going to do it! And I will stare at my girls pictures and proudly show them to anyone who asks. I will keep my hands busy crocheting and my soul fueled with @msrachelhollis and probably some murder podcasts because I’m a weirdo and that’s my balance. But I’m doing it! I’m doing the hard!
What is your hard beautiful girl? I’m here to tell you, you can do it. Go look it in it’s face and give it a big hug. You are worth it.

Late night scrolling back through my Insta journal and found these words that I prayed at this very place. This was a much needed reminder for this season of life...maybe you need to hear these words too?
A prayer for faith:
Lord, may it be whatever you want it to be. I will do my best to recognize my desires while honoring your plans. Trusting that your plans are always perfectly designed for my heart. I am grateful for whatever you have laid out before me. I love You. Amen.
You see, I was praying for her. I was wanting her. I was longing for her. It was my 29th birthday and we had just lost #ourangelskye and my desires stood strong for another baby. For her. 👶🏻
Now, my prayers are for a court date to come soon and for all to go smoothly. For a thorough and positive investigation with the US Embassy. For last minute plane tickets bought, passports stamped with visas and to see our sweet 6 year old (mayyyyybe 7 year old by then) board a plane for the first time! I can’t wait for her to see the inside and how many people will be flying in the air with her. She will freak out when she sees she has her own seat with a television where she can watch movies for hours upon hours...she will be in heaven! And the snacks and juice all flight long...it’s hard to dream beyond the plane ride because I know it will make her so happy! But I also know seeing so much of the world will make her ecstatic, especially the happiest place on earth. 🙏🏻👧🏿

To the mama waiting: hold onto hope sweet friend. God knows the desires of your heart and in the most perfect of ways and in the most perfect time, God will bring them to life.
🌻 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
To the mama grieving: I am so sorry friend. The loss of a child is truly the hardest thing anyone could ever go through. Please know that God is so close to you. Tears are streaming down His face and His heart is hurting too. Your sweet angel is so close and so loved and so happy and waiting to spend eternity with you. 🌻 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
To the mama helping make another woman a mama: you are selfless. You are strong. You are a warrior. I know this is the hardest decision you will ever make but to follow your heart to hand over the life you have grown for the last 9 months to your babies forever mama is a strength not many will ever understand. 🌻 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
To the mama who feels inadequate: don’t worry, you are not alone. You might be thinking you should have read more books or even gone to some parenting classes before growing your family but I am here to tell you, you are doing just fine. NO...you are doing AMAZING! Showing up for your child everyday is enough. Listening is enough. Saying sorry is enough. Loving is enough. Even though you might not be wearing a cape, you are a superhero in my book.
I will always remember Mother’s Day of 2015 waking up 8,000 miles away from my daughter with my heart yearning and broken. I will always remember Mother’s Day of 2016 grieving the loss of #ourangelskye and so badly wishing I could feel his kicks inside me that day. 2017 brought joy with the addition of 👶🏻 but I would be lying if I felt like I had it all together and wasn’t experiencing some “less than capable of motherhood” moments. I fight between the balance of not knowing my birth mom and having a strained relationship with the one who raised me on a daily basis but most of all, on this very day every year. 🌻 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This is a bittersweet day for so many. While we celebrate this beautiful gift we have been given, let’s come together as women and love one another sensitively and vulnerably not only today but everyday. Mother’s of every kind, you are loved.

I’m laying in bed, staring at the baby monitor. Baby girl is tossing and turning but somehow staying asleep in her sweet dreams. I’m thinking how two years ago, my body was tossing and turning as it contracted in this very bed, at this very hour laboring #ourangelskye into this world. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
These moments...the baby monitor, walking on the beach in Hawaii & selfies filled with sleepy eyes and joyful smiles...I never would have imagined them in my wildest dreams just two years ago. I fully believed this dream of bringing a living baby into this world was shattered with every contraction and with every labor pain as I mourned the fact that I would not be holding a sweet baby at the end of this. I would have never thought that Skye was paving the way for his little sister.
His legacy lives on through her. Every smile, his soul shines. Every kiss, I know it’s on behalf of her and her brother. Every laugh pierces through the atmosphere, a straight shot to heaven where I can hear him, even if for just a split second. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
These two are connected on levels I will never fully understand but to know her is to know him and to know them is to know Him. And I love Him so much, even through the pain...even though He takes away...He truly does give so much more than I ever could have imagined on my own. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
#ourangelskye #ihadamiscarriage #lifeafterloss

Two years ago today, I tried to get mad at God. We had just heard the words “there is no viable heartbeat” and nothing made sense anymore. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
“ But I peed on the stick 6 weeks ago and there were two lines...”
“ But I am bloated, my boobs hurt & I am craving olives like nobodies business...”
“ But this is supposed to be the appointment we hear our babies heartbeat...”
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Those words changed everything. Everything we knew for 2.5 months was now frozen in time, ready to be stored away as a memory. Our first baby was no longer with us but would be someone we would carry close for the rest of our lives.
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I had no idea what the next 48 hours had in store. Excruciating pain & heartbreak as my body physically let go of Skye was one of the most beautiful and traumatic experiences I’ve ever walked through. One that brought me closer to Jesus and further from my desires coming to life. Through it all, He was with me and there was no doubt that He was with Skye. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I’m going to hop on Instagram Live tomorrow to walk through what my miscarriage was like...I would name a time but I’m sure it will be one of the moments the Holy Spirit will lead me to share in His most perfect time. I want to shed light to miscarriage, answer questions and remind you ladies who are 1 in 4...you are not alone. All for Skye. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
#ourangelskye #ihadamiscarriage #lifeafterloss

👧🏿: “But mommy, if you give me my ring and sissy her ring...who do you give Skye’s necklace to?”
You see...I bought a ring with 👧🏿 middle name on it before we moved to Uganda to be family. I needed her close to me when she was 8,000 miles away in a babies home. My heart ached and call me sentimental if you must. I added it to my ring finger, the stack of priorities...Him, him and now her.
I told 👧🏿 that it held her middle name....letters strung together into a beautiful word that means “He has heard and He has delivered”. She asked if she could ever wear it and I realized it was hers all along. I will continue wearing it until her finger size catches up with mine and she can carry His promise with her wherever she goes.
Then 👶🏻 came and I thought I should keep up the tradition. I ordered a ring from the same artisan now with the promised middle name of “light for all to see” stacked right on top of her big sisters. I would wear it, pray over it and dutifully hand it over one day.
But my necklace...the one etched with “Skye” I will not hand over. I will hold it close. I will never let it go. I will remember how our hearts beat in the same body for just a short while. I will remember how love created life and life was given to Love. I will remember how God hears all the prayers, big and small. The ones said with hearts full of hope and the ones said with hearts full of tragic desperate pain. I will remember how He gives and how He takes away and then how He gives again. I will hold 👼🏻 so close to remember it all...good & bad...forever. #ourangelskye #lifeaftermiscarriage #ihadamiscarriage

June of 2016. That is when her life began. To say that we moved forward in growing our family with joy, excitement and deep radical faith would be a big lie. To be honest, I didn’t give myself time to mourn the loss of #ourangelskye . I read somewhere that chances of successfully conceiving right after a miscarriage were high. I grasped onto the opportunity of trying again, like I had some sort of control in it all. We lost Skye in March and found out we were pregnant again in June. We were so grateful but honestly, probably more terrified than anything. We didn’t give ourselves space to grieve and unfortunately that process came for me when our answered prayer was growing rapidly inside my womb. I was so confused how joy and fear could co-exist. I was lost on how I could share this incredible news but be filled with crippling anxiety. Life was growing inside of me but everything grew darker surrounding me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Her name means strong and mighty light. We knew it was her as soon as the two lines appeared on that test. She was God’s redemptive & resilient promise. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀
At 9 weeks, we walked into the clinic with hopes of hearing her heart beat for the first time. My legs were literally shaking and I couldn’t speak...I was terrified of hearing those words again...”there is no viable heartbeat”. The technician put her machine to my stomach and within a second I heard a beat of her heart. I lost it. Like ugly cry lost it. I felt God hold me close and whisper “I told you she is a strong and mighty light. Her life is meant to endure all storms and seasons. She is My child, not yours.”
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The timing of her life is no mistake. Skye paved a way for his sister. She paved a way for my faith to grow stronger. There are days I wish we would have waited but living through the nasty storms that came our way, I can look back at it all and see how perfect His timing is in creating her life. She is the strong and mighty light that brought us through the darkest of all the storms and is now in our arms, dancing with us on the mountaintop. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀
Every bit of our story holds purpose, God wouldn’t have it any other way.

The other day I was walking home and had this vision. As I approached our gate, a 15 month old baby boy named Skye was running to greet me. He was barefoot but adorned in overalls and someone was running just behind him, trying to catch up. He had darker hair and the brightest brown eyes, just like his daddy. He was so happy and yelling “mama!” as he saw me approaching. My heart skipped a beat with joy and for one split second, I forgot that my baby boy lives in heaven. As I came back to reality, I remembered the sweet rainbow that was waiting for me just down the road. Her curious eyes, small stature and toothy contagious smile would light up as soon as she saw me and I remembered that without his life, hers wouldn’t exist. The dichotomy of emotions is all too much sometimes, especially as I balance grief and joy. When I realized it was just a vision, I thanked God for that brief glimpse into my baby boys world and I realized that one day, he will be running up to me yelling “mama!” so happy to see me. He will know exactly who I am and one day we will all be reunited as family. And I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was a glimpse of heaven I received as a gift and just maybe that person running so close behind was Jesus Himself. I don’t know if I’ll ever know but seeing his sweet happy face was everything I needed and walking through that gate and finding my happy girl reminded me that God truly does know what He is doing, even in those moments that we will never fully understand. #ourangelskye #lifeafterloss #miscarriagesupport #griefjourney #ihadamiscarriage

I don’t have a sense of smell but if I had to guess I would say this room smells like a whole lot of 💩 and redemption. This bathroom has seen its fair amount of tears. This is the bathroom where I saw two positive tests. This is where I lost more blood than I ever knew possible and brought #ourangelskye into this earth. This is where JP met me on the ground, watching that faint pink line slowly creep over to the other. He looked at me with a big smile and said “it’s our baby girl.” This is where every time I went to the bathroom for the next 9 months after those double lines I feared seeing blood. Can one have PTSD from sitting on a toilet? The answer is yes. This is the bathroom where I curled myself into a ball and called my closest loved ones sharing devastating heartbreak. That bandaid was given to me from my the 5 year old daughter who placed it over my heart when I couldn’t control myself from crying hysterically one morning. She put a Doc McStuffins bandaid right over my heart to help repair the break and you know what? It worked. Her innocent love was magic to my wounded soul and I kept going for her. This is the bathroom where I cried a bit when I found my first stretch mark and again when I realized my toes and ankles went missing. This is where I tried it all, essential oils and evening primrose, to help bring 👶🏻 into the world but even at 40 weeks she showed the world that miracles are worth the wait. This is where my sweet friend gave me a sponge bath after returning home with a huge scar on my lower abdomen. This is where the first poop happened and even though I didn’t get to push my baby out...this certainly made up for it 😳. This is where I taped a paper with the promise of 2 Chronicles 20:12 “we don’t know what to do but our eyes are on You” and a we watched a broken marriage restore. This is where I realized nipples can crack, bleed and unfortunately the ducts can even get clogged. This is where enormous amounts of hair was lost and hours of my life from scrubbing down cloth diapers. This is the room I would hide...pretending number two when it’s really number one because mama needs a few extra minutes. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
continued in comments 👇

I used to say I wouldn’t be one of those moms. You know the ones that post only about their children. But then 5 minutes into becoming a mom I realized that it is almost impossible. My love for them grows deep and wide (and expands by the second)...they are so much of me.
But I will be the first to admit...they are not ALL of me. While I feel like so much of “me” changed these past two years...I have never felt more like myself deep deep down...a layer I wasn’t even aware existed. The body I knew for 29 years is long gone since becoming pregnant with #ourangelskye and my social life barely exists outside of this house but the deepest parts of my heart are on fire with beautiful, all knowing love.
My dreams are still there. My passions of writing, taking pictures, making things with my hands and traveling the world are very much alive and hold greater meaning now as every thing I do shapes their sweet lives as well. Every time I make a choice to live my best life, their lives radically improve as well. Whether that’s getting a pedicure, quiet time to read or moving my body for 30 minutes a day...I’m a better me...and goodness, they deserve the best me. I deserve the best me.
Moms, you are incredible warrior humans. I know you know the feeling of being lost and found all at the same time. That wrestle between hiding in the bathroom for an extra moment of alone time and wishing your kids would wake up because you miss them is so very real. I know you know how to dream big for your children but I want to encourage you to never stop dreaming for yourself. Your dreams are exactly what brought that sweet soul into this world to begin with so please don’t stop doing extraordinary things just like that. Surround yourself with grace, forgiveness and space (even if it’s 5 minutes a day) to nourish your dreams like you do for your sweet precious souls.

“Mommy, was my brother brown like me?”
Her words have the power to hit me like a ton of bricks. To knock me down. Pour salt in the wound. Wrap me up in love and make me fly all at the same time. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
How can a six year old hold all that power? How can she just innocently be rocking in a chair off in the corner of our room, staring at the one ultrasound picture we have of Skye, and make time stand still?
They say the way to enter the kingdom of heaven is to become like a child. To not only understand their kind of faith but to live it. That can be hard most days. The days that are dark reminders of the child we don’t get to tuck into bed at night. The days that it’s just the four of us and not the five of us. The days that she asks how many days until she can meet her baby brother. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But these days...they give me that hope and help shape my faith to the most innocent form. I can allow the tears to cascade down my cheeks and slip into my smile while I explain how their skin may be different colors but their souls dance in the same vibrant light. How when she gets to heaven, she will just know who Skye is and vice versa...just like she experiences with her baby sister here on earth. I get to explain Heaven...and if that’s not enough to remind you of purity and innocence and the true basics of life...I don’t know what is. #ourangelskye #ihadamiscarriage #lifeafterloss #movingforward #griefjourney

The Supposed to Be
October 24th was the supposed to be. The day Skye would have celebrated his first birthday. It was his EDD. The date we circled on the calendar and looked at the several months that lay before us wondering how we could make it that far without bursting from excitement. Then his birthday came much sooner than expected. And to be honest, I’m not sure when it was. If it was the day after Easter 2016 when we went for an ultrasound to hear those awful words strung together “there is no viable heartbeat.” Or if it was when I spent 16 hours with labor contractions losing way more than I ever thought possible. Or if it was when he left my body and we buried his beautiful life that was formed over 10 weeks in our backyard. I just don’t know. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
But I do know the moment his heart stopped beating was the moment he was supposed to be with Jesus. The moment he experienced joy and love in its purest form. The moment he made way for his baby sister whom I so often get lost in daydream wondering if they would have looked alike at all. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
It’s hard pressing into the reality of our story. There has been so much trauma and grief. There has been so much that any person who didn’t know better would run away from fast. But I know better and His name is Jesus. He is redemption. He is refinement. He is renewal.
During my 16 hours of labor with Skye, every time a contraction came I would find my happy place...it was this beautiful vision of Jesus holding Skye...welcoming him home. During my 16 hours of labor with my baby girl, every time a contraction came I would again find my happy place...it was Jesus holding my baby girl with the ocean split on either side of Him. He split the sea so
I could walk right through it...He drowned my fears in perfect love. Both times. Both in excruciating pain, physically and emotionally. Both times helping bring my babies to their homes. Right where they were supposed to be all along.

I showed her a video of the clouds that were outside of my window seat. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
"Did you see Skye?" she innocently asked.
"No, I didn't see Skye" tears filled up my eyes.
"When I fly on the plane to America I'm going to look for Skye and Juliana. I can't wait to see them."
Sometimes the most heartbreaking things that happen to us are the very things that fill others with awestruck wonder.
#ourangelskye #onmcleodnege #capetown

I see him when I look at her...the beautiful legacy he created when he paved the way for his little sister. We celebrate his life through the love we are gifted everyday to show her. One day when we are all reunited in heaven, she will embrace her brave big brother and we will hold our dearest son. Skye's life lives because her life exists. I will never fully understand the ways of God but I am so grateful for the magic His love contains. It truly is all encompassing, unwavering and never failing.
#ourangelskye #lifeafterloss #miscarriage #onmcleodnege #capetown

In this past year, my heart has beat alongside two others so intimately. Life has been formed twice within my womb. I became a mother to three. I hold my baby daughter in my arms and can't help but think about Skye...our baby that we lost one year ago today. I can't help but imagine what he would have looked like. I dream about the sounds he too would have made. I wonder if he would be squirmy like his little sister. The truth is, we would not know her if we didn't lose him. That's the craziest thing to wrap my head around and its not something I sit in awe of. It's something that still makes me sad. Oh how I wish we could have both. I wish I could hold them both in my arms. I wish I could cover both of their bodies in kisses.
During my 10 weeks with Skye, the lyrics "He gives and takes away" sang through my entire being. This scared me more than anything while Skyes' heart beat in rhythm so close to mine. I was scared of what God could do...what He could take away in a season where He clearly gave us everything we so deeply desired. Then when my nightmare became reality, these lyrics became my safe haven. God will not only take away, but He will give again. And you know what? He did. And He does. Both ways. Always. It's just the balance of life, one where God is always present with an intent of love.

This past year has taught me to let go and hold on tight. To grieve and to rejoice. To be angry and grateful at the same time. To surrender and to boldly ask. To wonder and to accept. To fall on my knees and fight from running away. I have been stretched beyond reason and for the most beautiful measure. My three children. While my body said goodbye to Skye one year ago today, my heart holds a bond that can never be broken or replaced. Oh sweet Skye, the arms of Jesus is where we all long to be...enjoy His sweet embrace. I can't wait until the day I can memorize and kiss your sweet face. #ourangelskye #miscarriage #pregnancyafterloss

It's been a year since she learned she would be a big sister. When we shared the news about #ourangelskye , she decided right then and there she would be the best big sister ever. Not a day goes by that she doesn't talk about her brother in heaven and pray for him. Now, here she is...a big sister to her baby sister here on earth. She has already told her all about her brother and promises that she will share her dolls because "God likes it when we share." I am so excited to watch their relationship grow.

One year ago today the news of a positive test changed our lives. We rejoiced at the blessing of life being formed within my womb. JP was the happiest I have ever seen him and I sat in awestruck wonder of Gods crazy timing. If I knew just 6 weeks later we would be parting ways with #ourangelskye, I'm not sure we would have taken that leap of faith in growing our family biologically. The pain was excruciating and broke us in ways we never could have imagined. If we knew what we were bound to go through, I'm not sure we would have said yes. But that's the beautiful thing about God, He provides the strength and courage for the next step in front of us. We don't have to worry about the many steps that come after.
Alas, we have made it out of the storm...not because of this new life forming in my womb but because of Gods ultimate goodness. We are stronger than we have ever been despite going through the hardest year of our lives. We are hopeful of the new journey that is about to begin any day now. We are connected to heaven in ways that run so deep as our small family is making a place for us to join them one day. The day we begin eternity all together will be beautiful but for now, we will move forward...one step at a time...falling, breaking, stretching, running and getting stronger every single step of the way.
The fact of the matter is Skye made room in my heart to be something I always longed to know and to be...a biological mom. I can connect on deep levels with our oldest girl because of adoption and I can know the love that I always wondered about growing up because of Skye and this sweet baby girl. God has shown me His goodness on so many levels but it has come with a painful cost. Because of the pain I can understand the beauty so much more...pain that has been with me 29 years now is finally overflowing my heart with the magic I have always wondered about. His plans are always for the greater good of our hearts, even if it takes a long time to understand. And honestly, I don't think we will ever truly understand His ultimate plans for us but I will take whatever He chooses to reveal to with open hands and a grateful heart.

We found ourselves here again. The pretty little spot in the big city that serves sushi and exudes my favorite color palette. Last April we stood in the same spot. It was a rainy day and we had just met with the doctor who confirmed my body had successfully miscarried #ourangelskye. I remember feeling strong because of what my body had just gone through...16 hours of contractions and this sweet baby was no longer inside of me. His soul now lived with God and my body already started to heal but my heart couldn't grasp the first step in that process. Our doctor gave us hope, saying we could try whenever we felt we were ready and that unfortunately parents losing their first baby to miscarriage is common. 1 in 4 he said. I felt comforted at the reminder that we weren't alone and I thought of all the babies that made their way into families even though their older siblings now live in heaven. The outside of me could see that hope but the inside of me struggled...even through the first trimester with this sweet baby girl.
Yesterday, we sat in that same doctors office and he smiled when writing down my name. I shared we met with him in April and he said he remembered and was happy to see us here today, just weeks before our baby is due. His eyes smiled and I wondered if this is one of his favorite parts of the job...seeing God fulfill promises of dreams that people didn't let fear get in the way of. We all laughed and sat in complete joy, strength and faith that soon...this sweet Ugandan man will be handing us our baby girl. A baby we have prayed for, yearned for and fought against every lie the enemy has fed us. A baby that doesn't replace the loss we experienced but adds to our family by one.
If you are experiencing set back of any kind, whether it's picking up the pieces after loss or not seeing your desires coming to fruition as quickly as you have hoped...keep going. Keep trying. Please don't give up hope. And if you can't find that hope yourself, surround yourself with people who have enough for you. ❤️

Yesterday my calendar looked very bittersweet. It said not only 21 weeks but also 40 weeks. October 24th was the day that Skye was supposed to make his debut into the world. Instead of being here with us, he is in the most perfect place of them all. Rather than being bundled up in my arms he is in the arms of Jesus and how can I complain about that? One day we will all be reunited...but this time for eternity.
We decided it would be a good day to celebrate family and took a trip to Kampala where we ate ice cream, watched Queen of Katwe in the theater and found out who the newest addition of our family is. Looks like we are adding another sweet flower of a girl to our family in early March and we couldn't be more excited! Definitely a day to celebrate our family on earth, in heaven and on the way...one I will never forget. 💕👶🏻🌿 #ourangelskye

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