I get asked, Do you miss competing?
all. the. time. so here's my response: • Yes and no.. I'll try to make this short, my entire career was spent sick with bulimia, I binged and self induced myself to vomit an average of six times a day. As much as I loved competing, it was one of the biggest triggers for me, I felt so pressured to be perfect.
•My body showed signs of it, from the intense bloating, heartburn, heart palpations, and the chronic achy tiredness... But it didn't stop there, my bones became brittle. I was stress fracturing my tibia and two metatarsals in my foot basically back to back in about two years. I was so malnourished, there was no way to prevent it, how could a 19-20 year old crack so much? I was disappearing. I was sleeping all the time, my days circled around binging and purging, everyday I awoke to telling myself, 'this is a new day', only to fail immediately. The emotional toll of hiding these dehumanizing actions isolated me to the point of daily suicidal thoughts. I often thought of letting my truck drift off the bridge right where I usually pulled off to throw up before going to the gym. •In 2013 I lost a fork in my throat during a purge, it most likely was in my throat for a few seconds but I saw my mother finding dead, it horrified me but I still couldn't stop. Despite the close call and cutting my throat up, I was back at the toilet vomiting all the food I had just consumed two hours later. So in 2014 I finally found the courage to go public about my eating disorder, I started realizing I had to quit competing in order to heal myself... And someone helped push me that direction in a brutal way. •This post isn't me trying to bash this company but I was essentially let go for being bulimic in 2014 (shortly after opening up). It crushed me, I was told 'I looked fat and non-athletic. I wasn't perfect.' Instead of trying to let anger and pain control me, I used it as a motivation to fall more in love with myself. I'm the most important person in the world, I can make myself feel this. So I took my life in my hands and started filling it with the things that made me feel loved. And self love has powered me to conquer any pain. 💜✌🏼