Patience is a virtue, and I'm learning patience. It's one of the toughest lessons in life...I wanted to be back at that rodeo the day I was driven off the rodeo grounds in the ambulance and was admitted into the hospital. I pleaded with my paramedic to take me back and stay with me till the performance was done so that I could finish the rodeo. He laughed at me and said "I know you want to go back and I know how much this means to you, but you're in no condition to compete. What if you fall off?" In response I told him "that's why you'll be there, but I'm not falling off my horse" He again laughed, and told me "you're one tough girl, and I'm shocked you're even conscience after all that just happened to you". Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay, and I keep saying that I'm fine. But, in all honesty, I really don't know if I'm fine. My sister told me I'm super bipolar right now. One minute I'm crying, the next minute I'm laughing, and then another minute I'm pissed at the world. I'm facing all sorts of crazy right now. Nights are the worst, I never really know when I'm going to fall asleep because I get bad anxiety. Some nights I get flashbacks or have nightmares and wake up terrified with my heart pumping. Which makes it very hard to breathe.
Everyday is a new day I don't really know how I'm going to feel each morning. Some days I feel I'm getting better, and other days make me think otherwise. I'm tired of being the patient already...😢 As grateful as I am to be alive - I want to go back to being the happy girl I once was, because right now, in this moment, she doesn't exist. 🥀 #slowmotion #everythinghurts #onedayatatime #missmyhorses #misseverything