Seven. The light of my life and the love in my heart, my precious Nicolai, turned seven last Friday. With his seventh birthday came a new and timely perspective . . . This beautiful soul whose life I would give mine for in a heartbeat, this loving boy who makes me laugh and who makes me so happy that my heart smiles, this tender-hearted loving sweet little person who I know makes this world a better place -- he would never even exist if my heart hadn't been shattered into a thousand painful pieces when I lost the baby I was carrying almost 5 months to the day before Nicolai was conceived -- the baby that wasn't due to be born until a month or so after Nicolai's heart made its first tiny beat. When I laid crying and alone on the floor in front of the empty crib after that loss, I hated the world and life made no sense. Little did I know that my heartache was necessary in order to give me my little blonde soulmate. I wish she didn't have to go so he could be, but for reasons I'm sure I'm not meant to understand, she did. Because she did, now lives this boy who is so amazing this mother just can't put him into words that do him justice. He is the perfect pure light after the darkness. Pure love. Pure goodness. Pure beauty. Pure hope. So on his seventh birthday, I'm not just grateful for his glorious and brilliant little self, but also for the constant reminder he will be for me to realize that it often darkest before the dawn and that just when life throws us a painful curve ball and we don't think we can endure it . . . something beautiful may very well await around the bend.
My rainbow baby is not a baby anymore. Nicolai Justice is seven. He's a big boy now. I could not be more proud, more honored, more blessed, or more grateful to be his mommy.