So yesterday was a really amazing day.
I looked forward to it for a long time.
I took a friend with me and my brother.
There were heaps of fun stalls, cakes, people, really beautiful art, cool famous vegans walking around, music... And yet, I kept having this, what I like to describe as - an emotional teeny tiny pebble in my shoe.
I'm not entirely sure what triggered it.
Was it the fact, that although I try to love myself day in and out, after seeing so many beautiful slim ladies with partners, I felt like I'm... the 10 year old me, much much bigger than my tiny best friend with hair reaching her bum
The 13 year old me, trying to starve myself, buying a skirt 3 sizes too small as an inspiration and after my mum saw it and was mad I wasted money, she shouted at me on the street "you're a fat pig and you'll be never fit into this" with people looking at me funny, me feeling so humiliated
The 15 year old me, being constantly told "you're not fat, you're curvy"
The 16 year old me, at an acting class summer camp, being angry @ the chubbier girls considering me part of their pack
The 18 yr old me being told my fb pics look nothing like me because I'm a good photographer and I'm fatter in person
The 26 yr old me watching Identity Thief, thinking it's supposed to be funny, so why am I so sad, why can I relate to this woman even though I don't do any of the things she does... And I tried to enjoy the cakes and things I looked forward to but I lost my appetite, I felt like I should start being strict with myself there and then.
I tried to look at vegan clothing but I felt inadequate, unworthy. I felt like I will look like a sack of potatoes because those oversized hoodies look best on cute girls.
I felt ashamed that I'm not a representation of a healthy weight vegan.
I was also ill. My friend was tired. I felt like I dragged people to a place they didn't enjoy. I was annoyed at myself.
I got home and I was exhausted, I lied on my bed and with throbbing headache, I just felt like I wish it would all end. I took great comfort in thinking that I have a choice to be here. That I don't have to.