we all have different ways of staying alive. a big one for me is fighting apathy. working against the chemicals in my brain to feel, decide, and pursue. •
for years i found my fight against apathy in self harm.
trying to fight the emptiness in my heart and the pain in my mind, i punished my body. over and over again. i didn’t know it at the time, but my self injurious behavior was contributing to the never-ceasing pain i carried with me wherever i went. the waves of apathy that would hit me absolutely terrified me. i thought i could control it by inflicting pain. i was in too much distress to imagine that i could fight apathy with anything other than harm and the emotions it brought•
i’m starting to learn how to nourish myself (mine, body, and soul) when the waves hit. when the emptiness hits. •
it’s taking what i have, who i am, and using it to celebrate the breath in my lungs & the heart in my chest. sometimes these celebrations feel hollow and empty. but i guess that’s the thing about apathy, it tries to deprive us of feeling any moment. so if feeling alive can be a struggle for you like it can be for me, i encourage you to fight it. dance alone, laugh with & at yourself, and know that sometimes being in the moment can include acknowledging your apathy and joining in celebration anyway. I promise you these moments aren’t as empty as they feel. you aren’t as empty as you feel. & together we will be the hopeful.