So I had a moment today.
I didn't say any of it aloud to myself like I used to. Maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. But I looked at my very newly declared "overweight" body and thought to myself:
You know what? For now, I'm just extremely thankful that I still *have* a body. I should not be alive after everything I've done to myself, so it really doesn't matter if my soul is being carried around in a body classified as underweight, normal weight, overweight, obese, or anything else.
My body is obviously still struggling for its mere survival and the focus needs to be on that. Now is not really the time to drastically cut fat and build muscle for the sake of prepping my body for the skin removal surgeries.
My timeline for that has suddenly changed and that's creating a kind of internal crisis. In less than a year, I will have no place to live which means no place to recover safely from all the surgeries, so this obviously creates a problem.
But I can't really think that far ahead right now. I'm in so much daily pain, nothing feels right, I've been worried about my heart for months now, so something like my body's appearance can't take priority.
Yes, for my emotional and physical well being, the surgeries do need to happen at some point, but only when my health is restored.
Last night my legs and feet were so swollen that I could barely walk. My dad drove me to the pharmacy and after a pharmacist consult, I bought diuretics. I had to take them for a while to help with my build up of excess brain fluid after the car accident a few years ago, but hadn't used any since. Already the swelling has lessened a bit. I can bend my knees without the skin on my legs feeling as if it's about to rip open. I still can't wear socks, but my legs are no longer throbbing with pain.
I still haven't done anything drastic or freaked out, I ate today, I rested, though I'm consumed by ED thoughts to begin a new restrictive regimen, with new ED goals, etc, but I'm managing to keep them as simply thoughts.