💖💖💖💖💖I recently… under the shield of a very mild hypermania, was in a position to test the waters of life. I dipped my toes in the sand wondering if I was ready to begin living again. The answer I did not know. How do you ever know if you are truly ready to begin again? I guess the answer is you never really begin again. I was waiting. Waiting for what? Waiting to be ready. The scars of the past have had little time to heal/ I dont know if they ever fully will.I was waiting for that. But in doing so I prevented the opportunity for them to be healed in other ways. Out of the fear of further hurt, pain, torment and trauma I shut myself off to the world. I locked myself away in a tower far far away. But never quite far enough. No matter how well I hid people still found a way to penetrate my defences nd force their way in. I thought at first they had build this tower for me and locked me in it throwing away the key. But then I realised they may have been the reason I found myself in solitude. But I was my own captor. I hid there because it was the safest place on earth. Even though no where was really safe. Even without their physical presence they tormented me every day. The seeds they planted in my mine grew into vicious thorny bushes I desperately tried to proon.
The wounds they left ran deeper than I ever knew. A bloody trail from childhood to adulthood. Wounds that never healed, that were soothed by a replacement like a bandaid on a wound. The holes they left were like endless gaps in me. Abused, manipulated and used for so long you could see straight through me. You see as a people pleaser I do anything for the ones I love. But I made the mistake of falling in love with men that took took took all that I had. All that I chose to give which was all that I am. They left nothing in return but the empty space I had made them fill. People reffer to lovers as their other half. But that is sooooo wrong. Most people make the mistake of becoming one entity in a realtionship.
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